Brad Paisley - What If She's An Angel

At first, I thought it was gonna be some sort of cheesy love song or some sort of it. Turns out it didn't. In the other hand, I'm in love with this Brad Paisley guy after I run into his lyrics.

I could shed a tears while I'm listening to his words in this song, seriously. His lyrics are real. Not overrated. Unlike those cheesy Endless Love or My Valentine's stuff, this guy sings romance in his own country rhyme.

Try to download it :)

There's a man standing on the corner
With a sign sayin "will work for food"
You know the man
You see him every morning
The one you never give your money to
You can sit there with your window rolled up
Wondering when the lights going to turn green
Never knowing what a couple more bucks
In his pocket might mean

What if he's an angel sent here from heaven
And he's making certain that you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you going to pass that test
You can go on with your day to day
Trying to forget what you saw in his face
Knowing deep down it could have been his saving grace
What if he's an angel

There's a man
And there's a woman
Living right above you in apartment G
There's alot of noise coming through the ceiling
And it don't sound like harmony
You can sit there with your TV turned up
While the words and his anger fly
Come tomorrow when you see her with her shades on
Can you look her in the eye

What if she's an angel sent here from heaven
And she's making certain that you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you going to pass that test
You can go on with your day to day
Trying to forget what you saw in her face
Knowing deep down it could have been her saving grace
What if she's an angel

A little girl on daddy's lap
Hiding her disease with a baseball cap
You can turn the channel
Most people do
But what if you were sitting in her daddy's shoes

Maybe she's an angel
Sent here from Heaven
And she's making certain you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you going to pass that test
You can go on with your day to day
Trying to forget what you saw in her face
Knowing deep down it could have been her saving grace
What if she's an angel

Daniel Bedingfield

If you're not the one, then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one, then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine, then why does your heart return my call?
If you you are not mine, would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through and I hope
You are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you, then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you, then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me, then why does this distance name my life?
If you're not for me, then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through and I hope
You are the one I share my life with

And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray that you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss your body and soul so strong
That it takes my breath away
And I breath you into my heart
And I pray for the strength to stand today

'Cause I love you whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And though my heart is by your side

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

PS :

I don't have any clue about any other song from Daniel Bedingfield. Only this one, period. This is one out of ten songs on my Blackberry, itu pun... minta. Hahaha udah males banget mindahinnya. The words are 'deep'. That's the only reason after all.

I'll see you soon then.

'The Day'

Seriously, I hardly can sleep last night. There's this guilty feeling everytime I want to shut my eyes. Was that a premonition? No, I got no premonition but the heart starts pounding really fast right every 5 seconds. I was like "So, tomorrow is the day. 'The Day'. And I don't have any tensed or stressed feelings, not even a bit. I don't even know if there're any sign."

Screw it all up this morning. Good job.

Anyway, I'm very well acquinted with the twitter world lately. And it's hell lot of fun. I prefer twitter than facebook, I have to say. Facebook makes you spend too much energy on it.

I wasn't worried that much. Seriously. But when I woke up this morning, and gotta spend my time at school, WAITING, from eight to one - I can tell you, it's KILLING me. Every teacher just came by and had a lil' chat with me, they showed NO SIGN of telling us what's waiting ahead us.

Finally it was one p.m.
Everybody was already gathered around in the school hall.
The laptop. Slider.
Typical.
I can't stop moving while seated.
All of my mates in other schools were already screaming for their success.
And they texted me, one by one, until I could count to ten,
driven me mad.

The headmaster really knew how to make our hearts like roller coaster.

She did everything in a very slow motion.
Though I knew that all of us would be graduated 100% just fine,
the official announcement always makes you feel much much better.

And we did.

When I watched the screen,
I hold my breath - trus temen gw dengan sangat gak sensitifnya
Mar, kenapa lo?
Ergh, please deh Cyn hahaha.

%
0 %
100 %

HORRAY!!
CONGRATULATIONS YOU GUYS!!

Seriously ini norak banget loh gw langsung pengen nangis hahaha
EUFORIA.

The science classes? We got perfectly straight A's! Weheee.
Dan gw semakin tidak sabar melihat SKHU.

Apa kabar BIOLOGI
Apa kabar TIK
Apa kabar SEMUA

I waited in line of my class until they called out my number. 15.
And, fiuuuh, I passed just fine.
Well, not great actually.
That score for biology ruined the art of the total score :'(

But anyhow, setelah menghitung NEM, I'm good!
I feel good, I should said haha.

I was feeling like I could hug everybody and I did (to the girls)!

Viva la vida,
High school never ends!

Selamat Pagi!

You know the best way to stay healthy right?

An apple a day keep the doctors away
A glass of water after you wake up early in the morning
A morning run

Anyway, think this, what's your favourite cuisine?

Gotta go running, cheers :)

She and her Neverland.

As I said way before, I'm the first-born in the family. When I was five, my mom had another baby. Just a few weeks before the 17th July 1997, I remembered my dad took me to Gramedia, as usual, memperbaharui isi lemari buku setiap minggu. I was still in Surabaya back then, ah kangeeeeeeennn

My dad and I accidentaly found a book. Titled Amaryllis. As in name of a flower. And my dad eventually said at that time, "this will be a beautiful name for your sister." So I brought it home, along with the others.

And that's how my mom and dad named her. Amaryllis Puspabening. Beautiful, isn't it? Shows a lot of feminity.

My mom's the one who actually blessed with those artsy talents. Gw sih cuma numpang ambil bisa narinya doang, tapi urusan gambar menggambar sih.. bahkan si papa bilang tangan kamu kan kiri semua hiah, sakit hati. Itu kenapa terus gw memutuskan melakukan pembuktian melalui masak memasak dan bikin kristik (yang jadinya lama banget) hahaha. Biarin, niat kan yang penting? Padahal, sekedar membuktikan tangan gw gak kiri semua!

Anyway, this is not about me.

Take a look at some paintings inside the house. My house.



You'll find that one in the living room. My sister has started her first drawing when she was, about five? Bahkan gambar dia waktu jaman tk setara sama gambar gw yang gw kirim ke bokap ke Jakarta waktu kelas dua sd. Malu banget ih. Hahahaha.

.

And that's another two. One of my favourite is the blue one. While hers is on the right. Since she was about eight, she has managed to play all the colour lines without any repeated pattern. It's like everything's already in her mind, she just moved it from the canvas inside her head.





Jangan salah. Kamar adek perempuan saya yg satu ini ngalahin kapal karam. Ini yang dibilang messy artsy ya kayanya? Jangan-jangan deh. Superb. When I walk into the room with the intention to find something, semakin besar barangnya kemungkinan ketemu semakin besar. Masih besar.


Usually, when she came up with a new idea I'd be one of the first to know. But she managed to hide my birthday present, somehow. And it was amazing! She knows how I love the black and white secara seumur hidup sebelahan gimana gak tau ya haha so she came up with this idea.





I almost cry when she gave me this one. Nothing can beats a hand-made present :) especially from your dearest, right?

(to be continue..)

Pengangguran

Kangen Newscasting.
Kangen Dance.
Kangen Paskibra.
Kangen Kak Elly nyanyi-nyanyi.
Kangen Fosil.
Kangen Kader.
Kangen Ret-ret.
Kangen Choir.
Kangen Masuk Kelas.

Semua aja gw kangenin.

My Life Woud Suck Without You

My life would suck without you.. Ini lagu karaokean of the year banget deh. Mulai dari Glee sampai Kelly Clarkson who finally managed to make a concert in Indonesia dan gw gak jadi nonton ah bebek, stop dibahas.

I LOVE THESE GIRLS

ANGELA TARULI EILIEN
KHAIRUNNISA
MYRNA SAVANI RYZKIRIA HUTAGALUNG

Myr, nyebut nama lo sampai akhir dalam satu nafas harus pake Amin! hahaha

Feels broken-hearted everytime I remember the fact that none of us is going to the same university. Bandung Jogja Depok Jakarta. So little time, so much to lose.

HEART YOU BIG

Hello, Monday!

Hari Senin besok bisa jadi prahara manohara nih. Somehow gw yakin sih anak Sanur #12 semuanya lulus dengan sentosa, tapi yang jadi masalah sih ya, angkanya itu loh berapa. Masalahnya angka itu mau dibawa seumur hidup ya, so it couldn't be a mess. Doanya setiap malam malah semoga soal biologi yang dianulir tiga belas ky tahun lalu, hahaha, Tuhan aja ketawa kali denger doanya.

Dipikir salah
Gak dipikir salah juga

Rumit nih. Mentalnya ngawang, entah ada dimana.

Nggak bohong, UAN kemarin biologinya super ngarang banget. Modul gw selama 2 bulan gak ada gunanya dong, yang keluar malah yang itu haha. Yang paling gw inget yang ada soal saluran tiga setengah lingkaran di telinga tuh, hahaha. Biologi, biologi.. Have always been my best subject enemy.

So, see you Monday at one p.m with the white-green uniform for the announcement!

Zip it.

Ingin hujam mereka dengan batu semesta dengki
Obral cinta umbar cerita tak perduli
Satu berdiri di sini terbelenggu setengah nyawa
Muak pada derai tawa bahagia
Ingin hujam mereka dengan batu semesta dengki
Sampai kapan begini?
Terikat tidak
Terseret pun tak jua ada
Teronggak siluet abstrak pada kabut
Ingin hujam mereka dengan batu semesta dengki
Entah kapan...

You think everbody does care with your mess?
Think again. The best ones stay.

Dear Diary, It's Almost A Year Passed

Hello, I'm seventeen years old by now. And in 59 days, I'm gonna be eighteen.

Boleh gak mau gak? Serius deh.

So I was running through my old posts from my old blog, and I found this one. One of the best day in my entire life. Last night, setelah nonton play pertama kali yg diadain sekolah gw "Animal Farm" Congratulations you guys! For a start, you guys were rocking awesome! me and bunch of the girls had an eat out at Teras Kota (BSD). It was totally a bizzare, Friday night laughs! Haha I don't even yelled ke bapak-bapak di samping kita yg ngerokok seenak jidatnya, how I miss those times. Pulang sekolah masih pake seragam cerita-cerita nunggu pulang, dan padahal mereka anak ips yg berarti gak sesering gw ketemu anak ipa in the last couple of months. Nyiapin uan gak mungkin sama mereka juga kan haha. Waktu jalan pulang, gw sekar myrna yg malah jadi mellow soalnya kangen banget! Sekampus aja blum tentu ketemu, apalagi beda kampus. Di saat seperti ini, gw percaya tehnologi BB menyatukan hahaha.

Anyway, 306 days ago was such a start for me to be seventeen. Berarti punya ktp, sim, dan rasanya seneng banget begitu punya pasti semua orang pamer - kecuali fotonya nista.

This is how I wrote about 'the day'

I'm finally seventeen!
Okay so..actually gw mau nulis ttg ini about a week ago or so cuma ya nampaknya mood menulis gw yang suka naik turun dan stuck di tengah jalan ngalahin tornado di Dufan yang ngeliatin orang duduk di atasnya dengan sukses berhasil ngebuat gw megap-megap. It's been a week? 8 days actually, since and after my favourite day of the year-when I beat the earth gravity and I'm being the center of the world wihiy bahasa gw asik bgt gak sih.

IM WELCOMING MYSELF TO MY REAL WORLD OF SEVENTEEN'S!
Seriously, I wonder apakah 17y old akan jadi semanis jembatan ancol yang dibilang?

Sampai detik ini pun gw gatau. My sweet seventeen not literally as sweet as corn apa sih mar please I mean not as sweet di tv yang suka di mtv tau ga sih that 'Sweet 16' show. Itu sih sarap kalo kata temen gw. They're only 16 ys, notabene lebih muda dari gw dan dengan mudahnya dia masuk tv mtv dengan postur tubuh seadanya and by the end of the day they'll be given a key. A key to happiness? You wish! Gw sih dikasih kunci rumah untuk jalan pulang karena pulang terlalu pagi. Nah kidding. They had their keys to be the young millionaire. Car keys, house keys, whatever keys. The most sophisticated one! Gw bisa bayangin kalo gw bangun di pagi hari ulang tahun yang cerah dan si matrix melolong gak jelas ngobrol sama anjing tetua di tetangga trus gw dateng ke bokap gw trus "Papa aku minta ferrari merah yang baru dong. Pengen deh..satu saja cukup" Yang ada gw dibeliin miniaturnya. Itu aja blom tentu :S

My birthday was ZSUPER!

I got all of my best peps with me all day long. Well, two of them are missing but the people who you called bestfriends should be there at your precious moments kan? That's inn my theorical thing sih.. 22nd june 2009. I was totally overslept at 00:00 am and a ring-aling-ding-ding woke me up. A call. First caller, second callers and tens of text mssages gosh ILYSM you guys! I really doo. Sebuah text penuh kebodohan dari sonia yang bilang "Maaf ya Mara ga ikut kesana ga blh plg pagi" padahal son i was woken up ALL ALONE for even an hour. That night gw esp wore my favs pj's which has strawberries pattern all over it hahaha kaya masih bocah kecil. I'm the eldest in the fams and I'm still my dad's favs girl (pernyataan sepihak haha).

Sambil setengah tidur-ngelindur trus ngintip dr jendela depan ada orang atau gak at least CANDLE LIGHT hahaha but I was back in my room dengan muka kecewa karena satpam bahkan gak ada untuk gw intip ckckck. Dan gw kembali dgn alam mimpi *ngambek hahaha

Mimpi gw nyenyak banget, but thanks God gw gak mimpi yang bagus-bagus amat because realita at 4 a.m in the morning WAY MORE LOVELY than any dream in my world. Bahkan lebih bagus dari mimpi ngedate sama Shia Lebeaouf yang luka-luka dan kotor sangat seksi ...okay stop. Haha akhirny munculah titik-titik cahaya lilin dan THERE'R MY GIRLS! Hahaha Angela-Myrna-Thesa-Nisa singing "Happy Birthdays" dan dengan sengaja-cepat-dan tidak manusiawi menarik gw lagsung keluar asli muka bengep gw bahkan gak sempet ngaca dong kurang ajar dan THERE'R THE BOYS si Aditya-Herpavi (ambigu abis hahaha please bukan yang sebenarnya ya) and my love doctor haha si Joe. Gw bahkan hardly sempet mikir untuk wishes sebelum tiup lilin but ya I did remember some. Dan dengan terus"an difoto haha birthday is like ngartis a day gw baru sadar it ain't just a cake. It was my mom's-very-own-recipe-of-macaroni my favourite! Well, dengan modifikasi sana-sini oleh si Adit! Haha :)

IT WAS 4 A.M
MY GIRLS
THE BOYS
MACARONI
THE GUITAR THE SINGINGS
THE LAUGHTERS IN MY BEDROOM
The day couldnt be more perfect <3
They'r all at my very moments of 17

As usual si Joe sama Adit nyanyi" lah pake gitar. Haha I's really excited sampai semua kantuk hilang dan malah ajak main kartu memory yg menguras otak! Alhasil yg kuat cuma MYRNA yg dengan sukses untuk pertama kalinya mengalahkan piala bergilir yang selalu gw pegang! Trus pd setengah nyawa semua akhirnya menyerbu kamar gw ngempet semua hahaha dengan BOS NISA tergeletak asik telentang di atas tempat tidur. They're finally got home at 6 A.M, Thesa yang berniat mau tunggu babehnya ngantor gagal total malah keburu ditelfon maknya! Hahaha.

I LOVE YOU GUYS SOO MUCH!

And it was a year ago. Wow. Time's running out so fast, too fast.

Funny.
Exactly when I finally reached out the number 17, I don't feel like I'm being the way I used to. Even I felt much of the immatureness. And it feels bad, in a way. At some momentum. Maybe it's because the euforia that I've finally managed to the age 17, and the way my minds keep saying how I should be more mature by now finally caused the opposite conslusion? You know, the opposites theory?

I guessed so.
There's no other explanation. Or there is?
I'll let you know later on.

I learn a lot during my 17th. Try to fixed things, the awfulness of messing up something. Friendship. There're a lot of thanks and a lot of sorry. And finding yourself.

Being 17 is fun after all.
Making mistakes, that's how life still treats you well.
Padahal setiap kejadian, I'd slap my own face :p

Back to Joe McIntyre

Okay. I've been moving my old post since a few hours ago. Dan yang satu ini, it's one of my life theme song. Haha I bet everybody has one.

Chorus
Don't you ever wish you were someone else
You were meant to be the way you are exactly
Don't you ever say you don't like the way you are
When you learn to love yourself, you're better off by far
And I hope you always stay the same!
Cause there's nothin' 'bout you I would change.

Verse
I think that you could be whatever you wanted to be
If you could realize, all the dreams you have inside
Don't be afraid if you've got something to say,
Just open up your heart and let it show you the way

Chorus

Bridge
Believe in yourself
Reach down inside
The love you find will set you free
Believe in yourself, you will come alive
Have faith in what you do
You'll make it through!

Chorus

Empat dan Satu.

Adakah suatu hari,
laut membentang di batas atmosfir?
Dalam bayang mega,
sang ombak menyapu awan.
Sisakan jejak pasir tanpa nada.

Bukankah
bulan merindu dalam bayang gerhananya?
Rusuki jiwa,
gelisahkan sunyi.
Berbisik ankara nan kasat mata.
Menyusup.
Menunggu di antara agar tak dikenal.

Berkelebat ribuan kata.
Dibebat aturan tetua,
jadi per klausa.
Beberapa tak selaras,
menggantung dipaksa.
Terkadang ada sudah di tanduk bibir.
ya disana saja.
Berputar di tempat.
Dikejar waktu,
ya disana saja.
Merengkuh angan kabut yang berlari.
tak pasti.

Lihat ultraviolet dibayang sagu kabut.
terik dibalik megah.
Menyapaku,
pada lentik anggun tak bernamanya.
Jejak petaka jejaka memantul maya,
saat satu tarik nafas luruh.
Sorga apa ini bernyawa kata syeitan?

Shallow Hall

"Dan semakin kamu merasa paling suci, kamu akan menjadi yang paling dangkal."

Sok banget kesannya quote orang padahal bikin sendiri di jalan haha atau udah pernah ada yang bikin, ya maaf de hehe. The line came up on my mind just now jadi ya memang punya orang sepertinya haha. Super wasted.

Actually, I hate to talk about 'this' - what I'm going to talk about, in public. I don't feel that I have the rights. But someone made me, they surely did.

Kemarin waktu lg jalan sama temen gw, mendadak dia nunjukkin link ke sebuah blog. Dengan sangat gak ngerti apa maksudnya, ya buka aja linknya. I never thought that the link would direct us to one's webpage.

Pas baca judulnya aja gak enak.

Scrolling down.

Muak.

Ini sebuah website, blog, damn whatever. The great news? It's a school blogs. Those people, with such bloody proud, bolding their names on the post and screaming cursing other religion. Merasa paling suci, or what?

The problem is, mereka gak cuma bawa-bawa genocide untuk agama yg mereka tunjuk. Mereka yang mengaku paling suci malah mengggunakan kata-kata paling kotor, kasar, dan (sorry) binatang yang pernah didenger manusia. Lucu, gw jadi curiga ya jangan-jangan yang mereka sebut itu justru their wildest imagination.

Angry? Am not. Exactly, I feel sorry for them.
Sorry and disgust.

A little girl could cry reading those words. How unhuman those people are. No, I'm not pointing at one beliefs. Only to those who wrote in it. Mereka merasa paling tahu, padahal jelas-jelas bukan kepercayaan mereka. Kitab suci itu sastra. Bukan literatur pasti. And they interpretated it as if they were still the kindergardens. Worse.

And these people, they run a school? OH YEA RIGHT congratulations.

Seriously, you can't just wooshing around and demolished one religion in order to make them one in your religion. I'm not 'that' religious, but seriously people, wake up! Apa sih bagusnya maksain keyakinan seseorang? Jangan bawa-bawa memusnahkan satu agama lain deh. Fine, you think you got the greatest of all? Keep it. Just keep it for yourself. Gak usah memulai percikan api yang harusnya gak ada.

Dipikir gampang?

Menyatukan satu negara dengan puluhan budaya, ideologi, dan keyakinan susahnya setengah hidup. Sekarang pun belum bisa dibilang satu kok. Not yet. Our people are separated in balance way, the traditionals and the moderns.

Man, people keep on forgetting that we have only one God. Just one. No last name, first name, middle name, family name, address, or different phone number. No. Just one. God. It's just the values in each beliefs that sometimes make the difference. Is it true that religion is a static theorm? I don't know, go figure yourself.

And the same questions occured once again.
Is this question could never be answered? Hope not.

If God created such universal love, why is it so hard for human to love?

The Simple Thing

The Buddha spoke the Four Noble Truths and many other teachings, but at the heart they all stress the same thing. An ancient story explains this well.

Once a very old king went to see an old hermit who lived in a bird's nest in the top of a tree, "What is the most important Buddhist teaching?" The hermit answered, "Do no evil, do only good. Purify your heart."
The king had expected to hear a very long explanation.
He protested, "But even a five-year old child can understand that!"
"Yes," replied the wise sage, "but even an 80-year-old man cannot do it."

If and if only every human's heart can understand,
we'll start a better human race.

Amen.

Have you ever think about, death?

Death. Death. Death.

Tadi siang padahal di otak gw bergumul segala kalimat dan kata, persepsi dan makna dari segala penjuru. Where have they gone?

I haven't faced that much of deaths in my life. One, two, three.. Two close relatives and two school mates. Not much.

Ini jam satu pagi ya. It's been a while, gak bedagang (ngelantur).

Some people say,
death is not an end.

Some people say,
there's an after life and that's how they who left us will keep guiding us along the way

Some people say,
...

and I'm back and this is 10 a.m

You know. I was reading about Buddha last night, and it talks much about death. Well, have to be honest, people are playing hide and seek with death their whole lives.

I'm nearly eighteen. My mom was like, "why do you even bother to think about dying? It's for later issue." Not it's not. Death can find you at every corner. Death is one of the life's boiling point.

Die. Died. Death. Dying.
All those words are similiar to the life after what we're having at the moment.

Have you ever afraid of the death? Or the angels that they called "death eaters" as in HARRY POTTER? Have you afraid of them? People said that people with less faith in God would easily terrified of the death That's what the community usually said, but just c'mon... It's not what everybody wish for in everyday.

If that was talking about yourself, your death -this is started to sound spooky, that's still acceptable. But if it's talking about someone else's. Someone who's connected to you, someone who has been with you since the day you say "ta..ta..". Someone you think you're gonna have for a lifetime in your days is suddenly gone. Lost, somewhere you don't even capable to figure.

Everyone, everybody has always tried their best to minimalize the possibilities of losing someone or something they love. LOVE and LOST. LIFE and DEATH. They'd go at the same rhytme of sentence. Only, in opposites.

PARENTS. They are the first you see in the world. First one to kiss you, to hug you. First one to tell you what is life about. What is a cat a spoon a fork; how to sing, how to walk, how to run or ride a bike. They are the first to argue you, to laugh at you, to do all those stupid things to show how much they love you even more than their own lives. SIBLINGS.

The hole of which's lost could have never been replaced.

And then you grown up, you meet your best pals, you find your life's partner eventually... don't you just want to package them up and send them for yourself so you won't lose them from your sight? Ever?

One fine day on a way home, in the car, I accidentaly watch my sister, mom and dad. What if they whom passed away, someday? All the people do, don't they? But I'd never be warned and I dont want to.

No one could possibly know when they'll die or that someone'll close to it. But the person could feel it, my dad said my grandpa told him so.

"Never gone. Never far. In my heart is where you are. Always close. Everyday. Every step along the way."

Some say people die because their duties have all been accomplished. Really? Then what about those ghosts and their 'unfinished bussiness'? I don't really believe in those actually haha. That's why I hate to see those shows like Dunia Lain atau what so ever my sister loves to watch dan berakhir dengan ketakutan sendirian. Apaan sih.

An old man said, "You'd better face the death than face years of dying in sickness."

At some point of life, death actually bring its own person to some kind of joy, plus the fact that they would gathered back with their creators, right?

Have you afraid of the death?

I have. Not just about mine, but all the people surround me. I hate the lost feeling, who doesn't? Besides, that's human after all.

From Paulo Coelho's "Like A Flowing River"

Be like a flowing river,
Silent in the night.
Be not afraid of the dark.
If there are stars in the sky, reflect them back.
If there are clouds in the sky,
Remember, clouds, like the river, are water,
So, gladly reflect them too,
In your own tranquil dephts.

Manuel Bandeira

White Lies

My Dad is so going to kill me when he read this.

I’m his firstborn and he told me once how he feels gratitude about it. He’s always been wanted to have daughter(s). He thinks that having a son isn’t cute. I don’t really get this idea actually. I mean, “Duh, you mean we girls are that cute our whole lifetime?” Then again, it’s just some silly hope comes true. It ends up with me and my little sister. I’ve been really closed to my dad. He’s my number one role model, especially in his leadership and intelligency thing. But, hey, I almost talk out of the line. Physically, I’m a lot like my father. Just, believe me.

Everybody has rules in their house, especially for the children. The best education starts at home, right?

My mom and dad thought so too. I won’t talk about those simply things they told me when I was little, like “Made up your bedroom” or “Put it back to where it should be” and etc. One of the most “crucial” rules inside the house is “You could never ever ever ever (that’s too much ever) go home by yourself or with public transportation…” You think I’m done? Nope. “… from wherever you are.”

I was like, 8 years old at that time. Haha, nah I lied. I don’t remember precisely when it was.

Anyway, the rules started since it’s spoken. Or even way before. When I moved from Surabaya during the mid time of my second grader, my elementary school was so much closer to our house than my old ones back in Surabaya. I could probably walk or ride a bike, but since I had to cross the road, my mom wouldn’t allow me. Afterwards, I went to school with my school car at almost my whole school career.

When I was on the fifth and sixth grader, at sometime I walked home after school. But it’d finally be done after a looooonggg conversation about “how to cross the road”, “how to take care of yourself”, even “how if some bad boys…”.
It’s really exhausting.

I don’t know from where I had the courage to finally disobey them.

During my senior year - in elementary school, haha what’s so senior about it anyway, I was pretty much attached to my friends. My mom told me a few years later, that’s just the time. “The puberty.” I remembered how I think myself as a big girl already when I was twelve. Silly eh? Super. Haha and now, seeing my sister growing up as a teenager, I could understand the feelings a lot. The ups and downs. The hate of being over-protected.

There was it. Being over-protected.

That had always been the one and only issue I couldn’t understand back in the family.

I entered junior high and senior high at the same school. Santa Ursula BSD. Back on the track, use that Serviam batch on our everyday uniform. Just like when I was in Surabaya back then.

During the junior high, I’m back being the good girl 

And still they say I’m good at making myself lookS convincing.

Entering the high school, my dad still won’t allow me to go home alone from school. His main reason all the time is because (physically) I’m different. Just walking on the side road makes me the center of attention.

So?

That’s the only word I used to answer his line. “So?”

I mean c’mon, I felt that beyond that reason is the reason that he couldn’t believe me yet. In the other hand, if I never try how can I prove him that I’m actually okay - doing what the common people are doing, right? Besides, there’s a lot more to save if I went home using the public transportation, only 20 mins away. Than takes home a cab.

Our discussion would never have an end.

High school was always something different. The academic and non-academic program made me often go home late. Sometimes we fixed the time, but the time would be so flexible during the process right? Don’t let the time tell us when to stop 
I once get a cab to go home since it rained and no one could pick me up. When I got home and my mom asked how I got home, I tried to be honest though, “I got a cab.” Disastrous. It was a total gladness then that my mom didn’t tell my dad, but she didn’t want to hear that kind of thing again.

The lies started there.

I learnt to go home by myself from a good friend of mine since the OSIS thing kept us busy, especially when it comes the time to rehearse for one competition or we have to gather a meeting for the next event. The fact that our house is close to each, have made us quite a best friend since.

It’s been three years by now. I’m going to face the real-deal of depending on my own in Bandung. Going to spend lots of my days by myself. But, hey, I’ve always thought that at the end, people are on its own. That’s how you'll survive :)

It isn’t that bad. I found some subscriber and though sometimes I felt like they’re making me uncomfortable me with their eyes, I tried not to give a damn and not to look even more ‘higher’. It’s not that fancy, being the center of attention, well at times like it. Besides I still pay attention to my own safety. Like I avoid going home by myself after five, esp it’s going to be maghrib soon.

But whatever the reason is, my dad doesn’t accept any of my objection.

So, I kept doing it. Sometimes I’m close to blown my own cover, but God seems agree with me haha. Seriously. Even when it rained and I stucked somewhere, can't walk home because I had never got myself an umbrella - I'll meet one or two old friends who could offer me a ride home!

Actually it’s fun. When you’re inside those public transportations there’re lots to observe. Ignoring the sanity of the transportation itself, the people are very ‘interesting', in a way.

I joined a demonstration one day. It was quite a hardwork to finally able to get out off the house. Me and my schoolmates. After our "kaderisasi" training for a few days in Sukabumi. It's a leadership training for some of the students who passed the tests. We used the bus, and I mean bus as in "Kopaja" and even the economic train. It's damn hot. And at the same time, I coud feel the air of freedom and guilty. Guilty pleasure. Mom and dad never knew anything until this minute. Don't know if they figured, somehow. But they've never talked about..

You know, being with those people, from every part and places in Jakarta, makes me smile almost every time I recalled it. Not in my every day life I could be blessed with such a view.

For some people, those public transportation are something...common? I might sounded silly but it's more a process to me.

I knew they love me. But love can't chain you up. And if you're not trying, you'll never know. At first I was scared just to get inside "angkot". I mean, gimana nggak? My mom described them in such drama queen, later I figured. But then slowly it becomes another habit. And it feels ordinary.

My mom always told me not to be spoiled and I guess this is one of the how to make it real.

I know I’ll always be my daddy’s little girl, but an independent one.
Thanks Myr!  I’ll see you soon then...

Wordplay

I found my handwriting on a recycled paper while I was cleaning up the exam's mess in my bedroom. It's been a while for me to write this kind of thing tho. Poetry.

Gerhana dihantar surya ke altar bulannya
Mengikat janji satu disana
Meramu cekam pada mereka di atas tikar bumi
Digenggamku berpeluk hati seorang adam
Adam yang menyibak tirai gerhana itu
Sampai berlukis pelangi
Padang rumput berpelangi dengan tersapu derit angin
Damai
Biar sang gerhana lenyap dan surya tak berkawan bulan
Hanya jangan dia
Penawar gerhana dalam rasa ini
Penawar rindu dalam galaksi hati