Have you ever dream?
Instead of midnight dreaming with too much imagination, I’m having my favorite dream when I’m sitting by the window inside the car, watching the road outside. The plain blue sky with dots of clouds, trees hiding the houses from the highway.. A good friend of mine told me it’s called acacia tree, like the one they have in Africa. It’s my favorite tree. The trunk is big and it’s like telling you “I’m a tough one”, while the branches are multiplying in sizes and the leaves is rare, but you know what people say, “the toughest tree comes from the land of Africa.”
Mom and Dad, have always told me to dream since I was five. Or maybe further than that. Started with a dream of riding two wheels bike and now ended up with my biggest dream as a college student, studying in Harvard University. People probably will laugh or widen their eyes when hear me saying this. You know, I’m not too sure myself about how much chances I’ve got. But I know I’m not having this dream by myself, I know some and we’ve shared the same vision. Trying to be more realistic, maybe it doesn’t have to be Harvard. At least the top five best University inside the globe.
Don’t you think being realistic is sometimes giving up on your dream?
The question now is, which dream?
Quoting a friend of mine, she wrote this once and the line just slap me in the face. Maybe it’s everybody’s question, how should I know? All I know, I’ve been living six months inside this question. I hope the feeling that I’ve known the answer is wrong because frankly speaking, I hate the answer.
“Biggest battle you’ll ever fight – between what you want and what you know is right, between what the heart wants and the mind already knows.”
God I must’ve thanked her for the quote, for haunting my night and days until I don’t know when. Simply undecideable (do they even have the word in dictionary?) - sigh. Where should I start this? Seems like I'm walking inside the vicious circle and stop at a dead-end. That was nowhere near the reason to quit. I periodically talk to a good friend about life and the philosophy, and he told me that it’s okay that I keep questing things that happen within me and outside of me. It’s good. Because you’ll never feel satisfied, but much better to do to keep running and doing the best for myself. Myself, should I bold the word right away?
“Live a good life.” – My Grandpa.
He’s the best inspiration but still he can’t guide me to my answers, no one could. No one will ever know what or where the answer is. What rights they own anyway?
I am 18. Repeat, just 18 by now. I always write “18 and 3B’s” on my personal description, thanks to my Mom. She have always told me to but have the brain behavior and the beauty inside one soul. That way I’ll survive in this world. She even put the beauty at the last part, because with the technology – tell me, who can’t be pretty these day? It’s just the best beauty comes within the heart, without no hard work of pretending too much.
I’m blabbing. Let’s start over, shall we?
Here I am right now, living my pretty little live in Bandung as a freshman in Parahyangan Catholic University in International Relations. I never picture myself standing here, right now. To be honest, I’ve never pictured myself anywhere in this country. I just don’t know where. But after I live this for a few months, I know God’s been guiding me to take my best decision. Maybe I don’t feel satisfied about everything, but I know here I can find the people the society that can help me achieve the top part of my highest dream. For some people I may seem greedy or anything, but who cares? People will never stop be jealous of you because they have what I don’t have and I have what they don’t have. I’ve been there and it’ll be such a pathetic exhausting waste of time. Wow, that’s a lot of words. I just do what I think was right and taking chances is never a mistake, as long as choose the chances carefully and date them seriously.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.” – Robert Frost
I used to picture myself as a psychologist, yes that was my one and only dream since I was the freshman in junior high school. Somehow I joined this and that and at the 2nd grade of high school, I want to work for the United Nations. Motivation? Simple. I’m tired of seeing people acting like animals, trying to erase the existence of the others. I want to save a life, but not as a doctor. I don’t have the call. I even tried to call myself, but I just don’t get it.
So then I stand between the IR and psychology. Which is right? Which is better? What kind of question is that? Isn’t it supposed to be, where your heart is?
Getting into college was not that hard to me, the tough part is to get the grip of it. The hardest part is choosing one instead of taking everything, to stand on your own feet and not hanging in anybody’s arms – well this part is not that hard to me. But sometimes you’ll find yourself kind of lonely in a way, even when you stand in the crowds. And again, I end up telling myself that’s not a problem, because the basic point I’ve always started my life with everyday is, “ At the end of the day, you’re on your own.”
I want to be graduated from Harvard. I want to live in London. I want to spend most of the summer in Italy. I want to work for the United Nations. I want to be a performer at the same time, a singer or a dance, at a small theatre nearby. I want to write a book, one day. I want to be married in a cathedral, in Vera Wang’s wedding dress. I want to have four kids, and I already named the three of them. And how I wish I will have son with blond hair – you know what I mean. I know what kind of house I’ll build and in addition, next to it I’ll have my own little bakery shop. I want to save a life.
Sounds like a dreamer enough to you, no?
Sometimes it’s tiring living this much of dream. I really dream them, you see I have them in details! Mom’s right – I am blessed, with gifts of talent. But sometimes you just don’t know which one you have to live with and which one you have to leave out. Why do you have to give up your talents anyway? There is lots of paradox in life. You can’t do things half way, otherwise it all will be messed up. Sigh.
I never thought growing up will be this fast. I miss being a 12-years-old. After your first love and things in romance keep going, do you think a relationship is a part of your dream, or it is not? Don’t answer. My biggest fear is that I forget to count in a relationship, a love story between my dreams because I’m busy loving them and that they have given me enough pleasure.
You don’t plan yourself to be in love. At least, I never did. All I know is the love itself never goes away. Who said that breaking up means you don’t love each other anymore? It’s just that you both no longer standing at the same direction. And here comes the paradox… I believe that true love comes with a pure heart - does exist in this part of life. I know that love doesn’t answer everything, besides the double C in basic relationship are commitment and compromise. But who’s willing to compromise with their dreams? Wrong. The question is how much you want to sacrifice your dreams? When do you know where to keep it up or put it down? We’re young. Don’t you have to create your own life first before you’re creating such a combination - complex combination? Here comes the other double-C. It’s just love doesn’t only speaks for the sight of two people in a relationship, but also how you can achieve those calls upon yourself.
What’s the use of having someone, but tired because you have to give up everything?
I live the days the best I can, and for those I love the most but sometimes listen to my heart is such a hurtful act to do; sometimes it whispers the fact I don’t want to deal with. In a relationship people seek for comfortable, for stability outside this world that could destroy them any minute. The continuity of it create something what I called attachment. How and when should it last? No theory can answer. That’s probably why they say you’ll end up marrying your best friend. Best friends are people who give you home everywhere you go, in their words and hugs.
Mom said, you can have your dream but keep your feet on the ground. God I hope she has this guide book to tell me which way to go. Well, she doesn’t. What if when I’m making the list of my dreams and he’s just not into the most of it? What if, we finally don’t share the same dream?
Man I think too much I can kill myself just now. I know I’m just 18 and maybe you’ll say “Come on, enjoy life!” Well, I say, easy for you to say. I just can close my eyes and walk through the bridge without knowing where the hell am I going. Or maybe I know the answer already, but I just too scared to walk out of it?
So which one, love or dreams? A little girl inside me will say, “Can’t I get both?”. But the young lady will whisper me the words, “…dream. Dream big.”
I need my beauty sleep, otherwise I'll throw up any minute.
God bless.
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