My boyfriend is now officially a soon-to-be lawyer!
June 30th was his thesis trial session and he did great, as always.
Am a proud girlfriend!
Yizreel Asih Alexander Sianipar, S.H.
SERENDIPITY
Friday, July 1, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
My Definition of Modern Woman
Happy Mother's Day, Indonesia! Well, personally I don't celebrate Mother's Day on May 8th but on December 22nd. Comfortable already with the date, especially it's 3 days before Christmas and I have always give my Mom present on that day. She'll wonder why if suddenly I change the anniversary date.
Anyway, about 2 weeks ago we celebrate the Kartini's Day - Happy Kartini's Day again all great Indonesian women! In my English class, my lecturer gave me two articles to read and after that he expected us to write our own opinion, about matter mentioned in those two articles. Taa-daa, writing test day people! The first article was talking about the history of Kartini and how this young (probably woman) student of Economic Faculty in Universitas Indonesia thinks about her in general and some personal opinion of course. It's a feature article not the headline news. Second of all is a news article talking about the fact on modern women and the phenomenon around them this recent years. It's not something new, you know - today's women tend to choose career over marriage and children (they usually emphasize on this). They see children as an obstacle for them to grow in their career because most women retired from their job or career position when they're starting to have children. Makes sense to me actually, you don't want your children to be raised by someone you have no idea how her background and education like, right?
The article mentioned perfectly clear about their definition - probably as much as the general public assessment on modern woman. Young, usually around 20s to 30s. Hard worker, they usually in good shape or probably not because they have to work their ass off no time for others except they have one great fitness center nearby plus they have time and the energy rather to charge their battery with lots of sleeping during weekends. Smoking? Not all of them. But usually they can always drink, they no longer avoid alcohol that much. They use high heels to work. Trust me, for us women, high heels shows level of power and determining level at work. High heels shows high level of confidence and the type of person who gets what she wants. Not by cheating, but through all the hard work she has to do to get to her targets. Ps: these type of girls never set low targets. What else? They walk fast, very dynamic. They don't like talking to much just to chit chat on the phone and never like things that doesn't have any particular aim. They don't look for 'relationship' over social website well they prefer sex friend last time I heard. Question why? No ties and no expectation, they like to keep it simple. They're very smart and critical and they never care whether you're man or woman, she'll debate her arguments until the end. She'll never depressed by the presence of man, never. When she says no, she means it. She probably everybody's friend, smile to everyone and can catch up with everyone but no one ever can really get her inside and out - especially in the work community. She prefer to live in an apartment and choose not to cook by herself - what's the use of instant food technology? And chinese food for sure.
I grinned while reading those articles, how can people make such bad generalization? And so I spend the rest of another 20 minutes to write down my thoughts. And this thought like tears drop falling down, I know I didn't control them - they just like popped out anyway. I just scared that my idea of modern woman is actually my idea of a great woman. Misinterpreted, oh quoting Avril Lavigne, "What the Hell."
I think modern women are they who always look beyond today. They know what they want since the very beginning, they set their targets and set their goals and they - by themselves make the time table for their own. They know what they want and what they don't want. They're the most realistic people on earth. They don't want to be committed to something that they're not sure how to handle it with only two hands, one heart and one brain on the way. Like a cup of coffee in the morning, can be something demanding when you do it with a guy for the next consecutive two to four weeks. They wake up always early, they're the morning people. Who says about waking up early is only woman with family? Stupid. They don't busy browsing the internet to read things that don't matter - like how to make your boyfriend happy, how to keep your image good, etc. She's learning it all by doing it herself. She not always prefer coffee, lots of modern women are concern with their health and the amount of caffeine in their bodies. They prefer salad or bread or fruits to dinner, easier to chew and healthy and keep her weight on the right number to point at the weight scales. Modern women can take care of themselves alone. These great modern women not easily bonding with guys, although she must has bzillions of friends and admirers. She's picky. She puts the brain as the most authentic and charming personality in herself, that's why she's not busy doing hours of shopping or 'cuci mata' around the malls, looking through the window glasses of clothes and shoes and branded stuffs. She knows what she wants and she doesn't want; she's not a branded-minded. If she likes what her eyes catch, she'll get it for her. They dress to impress because after all, the way you bring yourself in your clothes reflect your personality. Their eyes are sharp, people are easily look around when they passed by, just feeling their confidence in walking their steps. They're willing to learn about all of new things in the world, maybe the Greek Gods and Goddesses, how to differ a good wine or beer, how to learn to taste a good food in a fine dining or even by the streets, how to make a great emotional photograph, how to write beautifully - to taste the grace between the lines.
They have passion. Maybe it's sports, maybe it's dancing or singing, maybe it's spending days alone in the library between the smell of old books; maybe it's cooking, maybe it's gardening or even doing social work teaching little children here and there. Who says modern woman hates marriage? Or hates children? They just don't want to get caught in a stupid position, they think marriage is the highest commitment a human can have, sometimes they just don't ready yet, sometimes they haven't find the right one, and sometimes... they're in love with someone they shouldn't in love with. Modern woman put themselves first when their on their own, but they also can make priorities and when the time has come for them - they're just a woman after all.
Anyway, about 2 weeks ago we celebrate the Kartini's Day - Happy Kartini's Day again all great Indonesian women! In my English class, my lecturer gave me two articles to read and after that he expected us to write our own opinion, about matter mentioned in those two articles. Taa-daa, writing test day people! The first article was talking about the history of Kartini and how this young (probably woman) student of Economic Faculty in Universitas Indonesia thinks about her in general and some personal opinion of course. It's a feature article not the headline news. Second of all is a news article talking about the fact on modern women and the phenomenon around them this recent years. It's not something new, you know - today's women tend to choose career over marriage and children (they usually emphasize on this). They see children as an obstacle for them to grow in their career because most women retired from their job or career position when they're starting to have children. Makes sense to me actually, you don't want your children to be raised by someone you have no idea how her background and education like, right?
The article mentioned perfectly clear about their definition - probably as much as the general public assessment on modern woman. Young, usually around 20s to 30s. Hard worker, they usually in good shape or probably not because they have to work their ass off no time for others except they have one great fitness center nearby plus they have time and the energy rather to charge their battery with lots of sleeping during weekends. Smoking? Not all of them. But usually they can always drink, they no longer avoid alcohol that much. They use high heels to work. Trust me, for us women, high heels shows level of power and determining level at work. High heels shows high level of confidence and the type of person who gets what she wants. Not by cheating, but through all the hard work she has to do to get to her targets. Ps: these type of girls never set low targets. What else? They walk fast, very dynamic. They don't like talking to much just to chit chat on the phone and never like things that doesn't have any particular aim. They don't look for 'relationship' over social website well they prefer sex friend last time I heard. Question why? No ties and no expectation, they like to keep it simple. They're very smart and critical and they never care whether you're man or woman, she'll debate her arguments until the end. She'll never depressed by the presence of man, never. When she says no, she means it. She probably everybody's friend, smile to everyone and can catch up with everyone but no one ever can really get her inside and out - especially in the work community. She prefer to live in an apartment and choose not to cook by herself - what's the use of instant food technology? And chinese food for sure.
I grinned while reading those articles, how can people make such bad generalization? And so I spend the rest of another 20 minutes to write down my thoughts. And this thought like tears drop falling down, I know I didn't control them - they just like popped out anyway. I just scared that my idea of modern woman is actually my idea of a great woman. Misinterpreted, oh quoting Avril Lavigne, "What the Hell."
I think modern women are they who always look beyond today. They know what they want since the very beginning, they set their targets and set their goals and they - by themselves make the time table for their own. They know what they want and what they don't want. They're the most realistic people on earth. They don't want to be committed to something that they're not sure how to handle it with only two hands, one heart and one brain on the way. Like a cup of coffee in the morning, can be something demanding when you do it with a guy for the next consecutive two to four weeks. They wake up always early, they're the morning people. Who says about waking up early is only woman with family? Stupid. They don't busy browsing the internet to read things that don't matter - like how to make your boyfriend happy, how to keep your image good, etc. She's learning it all by doing it herself. She not always prefer coffee, lots of modern women are concern with their health and the amount of caffeine in their bodies. They prefer salad or bread or fruits to dinner, easier to chew and healthy and keep her weight on the right number to point at the weight scales. Modern women can take care of themselves alone. These great modern women not easily bonding with guys, although she must has bzillions of friends and admirers. She's picky. She puts the brain as the most authentic and charming personality in herself, that's why she's not busy doing hours of shopping or 'cuci mata' around the malls, looking through the window glasses of clothes and shoes and branded stuffs. She knows what she wants and she doesn't want; she's not a branded-minded. If she likes what her eyes catch, she'll get it for her. They dress to impress because after all, the way you bring yourself in your clothes reflect your personality. Their eyes are sharp, people are easily look around when they passed by, just feeling their confidence in walking their steps. They're willing to learn about all of new things in the world, maybe the Greek Gods and Goddesses, how to differ a good wine or beer, how to learn to taste a good food in a fine dining or even by the streets, how to make a great emotional photograph, how to write beautifully - to taste the grace between the lines.
They have passion. Maybe it's sports, maybe it's dancing or singing, maybe it's spending days alone in the library between the smell of old books; maybe it's cooking, maybe it's gardening or even doing social work teaching little children here and there. Who says modern woman hates marriage? Or hates children? They just don't want to get caught in a stupid position, they think marriage is the highest commitment a human can have, sometimes they just don't ready yet, sometimes they haven't find the right one, and sometimes... they're in love with someone they shouldn't in love with. Modern woman put themselves first when their on their own, but they also can make priorities and when the time has come for them - they're just a woman after all.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Broadway.
Today I'm back in Jakarta, a quick come back since I've been homesick all week and I got family business to be done. After a long day, I walked into my bedroom, the most cosy place on earth and grabbed my black bag hanging on the edge of my bed. My course bag, vocal course to be exact. And so I started to take out all the papers CDs and even song books. All of them all in one genre, Broadway. You know, it's hard to find people with the same interest of music as I am. Every community has their own kinds of music, outside of it is just the mainstream or the after 20s people who adore old musics, those legendary songs. The rest are the fanatic followers of Billboard, Mtv, and radios.
I don't really know when I first in love with Broadway. I grew up with Nat King Cole's, Queen's, Elton John's, and Disney for sure. I once play piano, then I learnt guitar and now since I'm away in Bandung and don't bring the guitar with me - I'm such an idiot in music. My first best since years ago is always singing. I notice that today, everybody can be a singer. Young and old, amazing voice or just mediocre, the technology and make up will always help. World of entertainment, the craziest circle of politics and tricks. I started my vocal course about five to six years ago, at Purwacaraka - not far from home. I'm blessed to found the teacher I've always been with - call her Ms Elly. She has strong eyes and strong voice, fierce is in her eyes. She's moving from one choir to another choir but she's been teaching with the best vocal teacher in Indonesia - Catherine Leimena. Amazing. Now I wish I go to a university in Jakarta so I can keep practicing these skills - but oh I'm not sure myself. And so, she introduced me to the real world of classic and Broadway. Phantom of the Opera? Ah, no need to ask. I'm practically IN LOVE with it! Andrew Llyod Webber and David Foster are the best composer that has ever liver, all hail them both! They've created such masterpieces. You know Disney? They even create the Broadway version of Disney. One thing I love the most about Broadway, is that you're not only singing but also give the song your soul. It's theatrical! You dance and sing and you can laugh while singing, teasing with the nots of your lyrics - God that's the real definition of art! You have to carefully control the mechanism between take a breath dan hold it while singing, giving emphasizes, giving mimics! Broadway is just... delightful.
I miss singing, I really do. I hate the fact that I no longer dance or sing for real way back in Bandung. Or maybe it's because I haven't put enough efforts?
I don't really know when I first in love with Broadway. I grew up with Nat King Cole's, Queen's, Elton John's, and Disney for sure. I once play piano, then I learnt guitar and now since I'm away in Bandung and don't bring the guitar with me - I'm such an idiot in music. My first best since years ago is always singing. I notice that today, everybody can be a singer. Young and old, amazing voice or just mediocre, the technology and make up will always help. World of entertainment, the craziest circle of politics and tricks. I started my vocal course about five to six years ago, at Purwacaraka - not far from home. I'm blessed to found the teacher I've always been with - call her Ms Elly. She has strong eyes and strong voice, fierce is in her eyes. She's moving from one choir to another choir but she's been teaching with the best vocal teacher in Indonesia - Catherine Leimena. Amazing. Now I wish I go to a university in Jakarta so I can keep practicing these skills - but oh I'm not sure myself. And so, she introduced me to the real world of classic and Broadway. Phantom of the Opera? Ah, no need to ask. I'm practically IN LOVE with it! Andrew Llyod Webber and David Foster are the best composer that has ever liver, all hail them both! They've created such masterpieces. You know Disney? They even create the Broadway version of Disney. One thing I love the most about Broadway, is that you're not only singing but also give the song your soul. It's theatrical! You dance and sing and you can laugh while singing, teasing with the nots of your lyrics - God that's the real definition of art! You have to carefully control the mechanism between take a breath dan hold it while singing, giving emphasizes, giving mimics! Broadway is just... delightful.
I miss singing, I really do. I hate the fact that I no longer dance or sing for real way back in Bandung. Or maybe it's because I haven't put enough efforts?
Sunday, April 10, 2011
My Favorite Things
See, I'm one of the kind who don't really have something favorite. Want some proof?
Favorite brand? Hm.
Favorite perfume? Hm.
Favorite dress? Can't mention one.
Favorite artist? Natalie Portman, Anne Hatthaway, Al Pacino, and blablabla...
Favorite food? Pempek, cheese cake, strawberry, etc, etc.
Favorite city? London! Wow, such progress. Favorite song? Too hard.
Favorite color? White? Black? Too classy?
Favorite movie? I can mention three but it's hard to decide in terms on like, which do you regard to? Adore or just having fun while watching it?
Favorite role model? Can't even think of one but Cleopatra. I hope she really was ever existed.
Favorite singer? Ah...
Favorite restaurant? I'm too in love with foods I can't choose only one.
Favorite car? Hm, do you have any catalogue or something?
Favorite song? Disney, Grown Up Christmast List, Broadway Musicals - I know those are genres.
Favorite model? Miranda Kerr-man, I can't remember names!
It's been one of my weakest side. Having no favorite at all. Sounds as if I've thrown away the little girl in me, I mean, a little girl always will and always has her favorite of all time. The truth is... I don't think so. When you mention to me one thing, like caterpillar for example. I can always tell you right away whether I love it or hate it. But then on, I can't really speak out what's my favorite in one section, like songs or foods or movies. But I can make priorities! Give me the list and I'll give you the list of my priorities, which one will I choose first. It's hard for me to really make something a favorite. Deal with it, I'm not easy to handle or even just to understand. And so, this will leads to finding one of my favorite singer! John Mayer! This video is about his performance in Letterman Show with Christ Botti (such a cute). Listen to the lyrics, it's so simple yet so deep. The song is first sang by the Carpenters. Listen to this, reminds me of my favorite boy and I surely can mention one...
"In the wee small hours in the morning,
that's the time I miss you most of all."
Saturday, April 9, 2011
One afternoon, a nice conversation.
It was Friday afternoon, my favorite afternoon even way more than Saturday. The weather is too lovely, shades walk together with the breeze. And have I told you that my department (Intl' Relations) in campus, have the privilege to have the most lovely part of the campus, which is... the park. We call it "taman fisip" in Bahasa. Anyway, it was Intl' Affairs Week, and Friday is the final day in our beloved park. It was a total fun, looking at them talking about one thing... religion. I sat alone on one corner, but then I realized one of my good friend sat not far from me, alone. And so I took a place beside him. He smiled, as always.
People probably never notice that we actually quite close. I mean, put it this way, I can spend days with people I usually spend my time with but not actually talk for things that matters. Every time we bumped into each other, there's always a serious talk coming over. That put me on the highest enjoyment. We were listening to the debaters, the finalist... not until he asked, "what do you think?" I glanced back at him, "this people or the issue they're talking about." He stopped. "Both." Well I have to admit that they're great! Please, I always admire the great debaters. I really think they're as awesome as the lawyers. But then, that's me. Because when you see them, trust me, you'll be inspired. Even though you're started as a sceptic, you'll end up considerate their arguments in your mind. Again, that's me.
One of his line that I can't forget was this, "It's amazed me how these people take debate seriously. I mean, I've always been a debaters, but for me - debate is just playing. I'm just playing around while debating, while other people take it seriously." I thought his line was underestimating, but then maybe he was underestimating himself. Being humble? Because the fact is, he's THAT good. Everyone will admit it, ask them yourself! He's smart and determined, he's the Mr Brain almighty. If I mention how we met, you'll know who am I talking about. Oh screw it, we met in the Gathering of my department, the almost-like MUN. He was head of the delegates (thank God he is). It was between me and him, but end me as his vice. During our conversation, I told him that I like people, who put their heart in it while they're working at something. He laughed, and looked at me, "you've must have been hated me so much back then." And I laughed back, "I was." But you know those words of wisdom when you start at the very first time hating someone, you'll actually end up liking them that much. The truth has spoken for itself.
We went back to our first topic at the first place. Religion. He's one of the guy that always try to look at something in different point of view. Well, to be honest, he's not the only one, but he's one of the nicest. His thoughts are radical and he doesn't even bother to argue if someone points at him and said that he's stubborn. Oh I can tell, he is. We almost argued every time during our working together as a team because he's being too self-centered and work his ass on everything when everybody's acting like they don't take part in it. I can't sit around and watch that, I want everyone to participate and be a part of it. It's not rare that I end up arguing with him, in emotion. I miss those times, I miss my team.
After talking to him, I realized one thing. I'm being such a sceptic recently. Maybe it's because I'm trying too much too see the different side of one issue, or I just influenced by someone thoughts that makes me no longer can bring myself up and introduce myself, my professionality. "I enjoy talking about religion," he told me. I threw away my mind to the blue sky. I once can't stop talking about it either. But at one point, I was exhausted and stop. I didn't let myself to think any further, maybe I was disappointed that much. He continued, "and that most probably because I have different faith with my girlfriend." I smiled, "you think I don't?" Yes, I know you do too. And there he went on, explaining everything to me about the Free Mason and Utopianist. The way he talks is always that convincing that I could join his thoughts and agree on it anytime. But then I didn't, I just think and not even try to decide. I told him, "I'm still a woman in the making." His thoughts are practically similar with me, a universalist and a pluralist. That's one value we both share. He learns every religion that ever exist and after his soul searching, he finally concludes that the best for him is still Hindu anyways. "You know what's the different between Hindu and any other religion ever exist?" I frowned. "It never has a Mesiah. Moslem has Muhammad, Christians has Jesus, Buddha has Siddharta, etc." I continued, "you've been mistaken. Siddharta is not a Mesiah. He's the great teacher (guru besar), but he never refers to himself as a Mesiah." He smiled, "yes, the great teacher. Good choice of word." I don't think Buddha is a form of religion you know, it's a form of teaching. It never mentions God, it talks about the human itself. Morality and faith - but not those involved with the rituals, it's the form of faith absorbed from the nature.
Both of us exhaled.
"You know what's the Free Mason?" Heard of it, never try to acknowledge it. "What I adore about the Free Mason, is that they're all brothers. They never see someone's ethnicity, religion, or other personal backgrounds. When you're in, you're part of the brotherhood bond. And they never recruit someone, no. They always wait for the people to come to them. They're underground community, I bet you know." He continued, "...one for all." I smiled, "and all for one." You know, this free mason community reminds me of the Jews. I mean, they don't actually accept by the people, that what makes their group become very exclusive. "Exactly."
Knowing my background he asked me this, "which side do you choose among the option of religion that your parents have?" I smiled, and for once - without any tension and intention, I looked at the sky and answered... He smiled, "good to know." You know, it gave me the highest relieve. He doesn't need to know, but I know he knew - he ain't stupid. People think I'm an introvert, then they think I'm an extrovert but actually I'm exactly what they think at first. "I know," another smirk, "I know you." I looked at him, with such doubt. He laughed, "seriously, I know you." Well, quite indeed. "What do you think about me?" I teased him with such look and starting to mention his personality from my point of view. Turns out he's a good pretender and terribly similar with my Dad - well maybe that's just a pattern of geniuses. I always believe that humans have pattern to others, you can learn by their backgrounds - even, their zodiac if I may say. "Really?" I smiled, yes - oh how I still want to be a psychologist.
"I believe that people have to keep doing what it takes to achieve their dreams." - even if they'll fail at the end? "No, there's no such thing as a failure. I believe if you keep trying and doing it, something will happen." He convinced me by telling me an experiment done by some scientist to see if a spirit can really waits. "You know people call them stupid, crazy, non-sense... but you know, at the end, they can really prove it." He told me the story in detail. I looked at him and feel amazed, those optimist mind of mine - where did it gone?
The breeze blew harder, it's time for me to leave for another job and him to chase another voice. It's been nice talking to you. And yes it'll be lovely to take you for lunch, but ah that's college. You meet people, you guys can talk for hours one day - but then at the end of the day, you say goodbye and realize that each has their own life. Both of you just two people in serendipity momentum. Maybe one day you'll meet, spend another afternoon with another talk in a cup of vanilla. Then you'll separate again, with a smile which saying, "I'll see you soon."
People probably never notice that we actually quite close. I mean, put it this way, I can spend days with people I usually spend my time with but not actually talk for things that matters. Every time we bumped into each other, there's always a serious talk coming over. That put me on the highest enjoyment. We were listening to the debaters, the finalist... not until he asked, "what do you think?" I glanced back at him, "this people or the issue they're talking about." He stopped. "Both." Well I have to admit that they're great! Please, I always admire the great debaters. I really think they're as awesome as the lawyers. But then, that's me. Because when you see them, trust me, you'll be inspired. Even though you're started as a sceptic, you'll end up considerate their arguments in your mind. Again, that's me.
One of his line that I can't forget was this, "It's amazed me how these people take debate seriously. I mean, I've always been a debaters, but for me - debate is just playing. I'm just playing around while debating, while other people take it seriously." I thought his line was underestimating, but then maybe he was underestimating himself. Being humble? Because the fact is, he's THAT good. Everyone will admit it, ask them yourself! He's smart and determined, he's the Mr Brain almighty. If I mention how we met, you'll know who am I talking about. Oh screw it, we met in the Gathering of my department, the almost-like MUN. He was head of the delegates (thank God he is). It was between me and him, but end me as his vice. During our conversation, I told him that I like people, who put their heart in it while they're working at something. He laughed, and looked at me, "you've must have been hated me so much back then." And I laughed back, "I was." But you know those words of wisdom when you start at the very first time hating someone, you'll actually end up liking them that much. The truth has spoken for itself.
We went back to our first topic at the first place. Religion. He's one of the guy that always try to look at something in different point of view. Well, to be honest, he's not the only one, but he's one of the nicest. His thoughts are radical and he doesn't even bother to argue if someone points at him and said that he's stubborn. Oh I can tell, he is. We almost argued every time during our working together as a team because he's being too self-centered and work his ass on everything when everybody's acting like they don't take part in it. I can't sit around and watch that, I want everyone to participate and be a part of it. It's not rare that I end up arguing with him, in emotion. I miss those times, I miss my team.
After talking to him, I realized one thing. I'm being such a sceptic recently. Maybe it's because I'm trying too much too see the different side of one issue, or I just influenced by someone thoughts that makes me no longer can bring myself up and introduce myself, my professionality. "I enjoy talking about religion," he told me. I threw away my mind to the blue sky. I once can't stop talking about it either. But at one point, I was exhausted and stop. I didn't let myself to think any further, maybe I was disappointed that much. He continued, "and that most probably because I have different faith with my girlfriend." I smiled, "you think I don't?" Yes, I know you do too. And there he went on, explaining everything to me about the Free Mason and Utopianist. The way he talks is always that convincing that I could join his thoughts and agree on it anytime. But then I didn't, I just think and not even try to decide. I told him, "I'm still a woman in the making." His thoughts are practically similar with me, a universalist and a pluralist. That's one value we both share. He learns every religion that ever exist and after his soul searching, he finally concludes that the best for him is still Hindu anyways. "You know what's the different between Hindu and any other religion ever exist?" I frowned. "It never has a Mesiah. Moslem has Muhammad, Christians has Jesus, Buddha has Siddharta, etc." I continued, "you've been mistaken. Siddharta is not a Mesiah. He's the great teacher (guru besar), but he never refers to himself as a Mesiah." He smiled, "yes, the great teacher. Good choice of word." I don't think Buddha is a form of religion you know, it's a form of teaching. It never mentions God, it talks about the human itself. Morality and faith - but not those involved with the rituals, it's the form of faith absorbed from the nature.
Both of us exhaled.
"You know what's the Free Mason?" Heard of it, never try to acknowledge it. "What I adore about the Free Mason, is that they're all brothers. They never see someone's ethnicity, religion, or other personal backgrounds. When you're in, you're part of the brotherhood bond. And they never recruit someone, no. They always wait for the people to come to them. They're underground community, I bet you know." He continued, "...one for all." I smiled, "and all for one." You know, this free mason community reminds me of the Jews. I mean, they don't actually accept by the people, that what makes their group become very exclusive. "Exactly."
Knowing my background he asked me this, "which side do you choose among the option of religion that your parents have?" I smiled, and for once - without any tension and intention, I looked at the sky and answered... He smiled, "good to know." You know, it gave me the highest relieve. He doesn't need to know, but I know he knew - he ain't stupid. People think I'm an introvert, then they think I'm an extrovert but actually I'm exactly what they think at first. "I know," another smirk, "I know you." I looked at him, with such doubt. He laughed, "seriously, I know you." Well, quite indeed. "What do you think about me?" I teased him with such look and starting to mention his personality from my point of view. Turns out he's a good pretender and terribly similar with my Dad - well maybe that's just a pattern of geniuses. I always believe that humans have pattern to others, you can learn by their backgrounds - even, their zodiac if I may say. "Really?" I smiled, yes - oh how I still want to be a psychologist.
"I believe that people have to keep doing what it takes to achieve their dreams." - even if they'll fail at the end? "No, there's no such thing as a failure. I believe if you keep trying and doing it, something will happen." He convinced me by telling me an experiment done by some scientist to see if a spirit can really waits. "You know people call them stupid, crazy, non-sense... but you know, at the end, they can really prove it." He told me the story in detail. I looked at him and feel amazed, those optimist mind of mine - where did it gone?
The breeze blew harder, it's time for me to leave for another job and him to chase another voice. It's been nice talking to you. And yes it'll be lovely to take you for lunch, but ah that's college. You meet people, you guys can talk for hours one day - but then at the end of the day, you say goodbye and realize that each has their own life. Both of you just two people in serendipity momentum. Maybe one day you'll meet, spend another afternoon with another talk in a cup of vanilla. Then you'll separate again, with a smile which saying, "I'll see you soon."
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tentang Seseorang.
Pernahkah kamu jatuh cinta dengan orang yang sama untuk kesekian kalinya dan tak pernah berusaha untuk menghentikan yang terjadi? Aku kira itu bukan apa-apa. Aku masih terlalu muda untuk berharap, untuk mencari. Lima belas bukanlah angka yang cukup bahkan untuk berkelana lepas tanpa surat ijin orang tua. Pernahkah kamu bahkan tahu itu cinta? Atau bagimu, cinta adalah seorang pengelana yang menyusup bermain peran pada tubuh yang berganti rupa?
Aku banyak sekali bicara tentang cinta. Terlalu banyak. Sungguh sebuah kontradiksi saat dihadapkan dengan seorang teman baik yang mengasah kedalaman filosofi cinta bersamaku. Cinta adalah kata yang belum pernah ia sebutkan. Setidaknya sampai satu bulan yang lalu. Seorang pria paling baik dan rendah hati yang pernah kutahu hidup dan menapakkan kakinya disini. Kepalanya yang tanpa helai rambut terkadang seakan merealisasikan filosofi Budha yang ia yakini. Yang aku yakini. Moralitas yang tertinggi dari segala keduniawian manusia. Bukan itu bukan agama, itu filosofi hidup.
Don’t fall in love with me. Itu yang selalu aku bilang setiap kali dekat dengan seorang pria. Aku tak mau tumbuh tujuan yang lain dalam hubungan kami, kepentingan yang lain. Sama seperti kehidupan nyata, itu hanya akan membuat bias antara yang tulus dan yang menuntut. Berakhir pada kebimbangan dan pilihan yang seharusnya tak usah dipilih.
Adakah dua insan mencinta karena berbeda? Mencinta karena serupa? Mencinta karena mereka adalah yang pertama hadir dan mengajarkan mereka tentang cinta yang paling tulus tanpa nafsu, tanpa materi, hanya kasih yang diagungkan dalam tiap doa kepada Tuhan? Atau karena sebenarnya mereka tak mengerti cinta?
Siapa bilang bicara tentang cinta berarti lemah? Melankolis? Ah, teori. Seorang yang paling sanguinis pun seorang melankolis, mungkin saat berhadapan dengan bayangan dirinya sendiri di balik cermin.
Aku mencintai seorang pria yang sama, setelah waktu yang cukup bagi seorang remaja dengan godaan wajah-wajah tampan yang lalu lalang bahkan di halte bus kota Jakarta. Kontinu. Atau mungkin aku yang menolak untuk memberikan tanda final di akhir kalimat aku mencintainya? Atau karena itu pernah menjadi sebuah janji? Aku tidak sadar dia ada sampai Tuhan menemukan kami. Aku tahu apabila aku tak ada dalam menit-menit itu, mungkin cerita tak akan jadi serumit ini. Atau seindah ini? Tangannya bergerak penuh kejutan dalam genggamanku, erat dan terlepas. Aku sempat membiarkan tangan itu tak tersentuh oleh milikku lagi, aku tak mau menjadi beban. Aku mengasihinya lebih dari apapun. Wajah itu, senyum itu, ceritakan aku tentang tempat terindah di bumi tapi tak ada apapun yang dapat menandingi binar di matanya saat mengantarku pulang di penghujung hari dan senyum kami berpamitan. Bolehkah aku membawanya pulang, memeluknya dalam tidur seperti boneka beruang yang kutemukan di etalase mahal?
Dia lemah dan kuatku. Jarak seperti ini seakan bom waktu dan siksa berbayang yang seringkali datang saat senja dan bayangan membisikkan ketakutannya. Adakah aku telah menjadi yang baik untuknya? Adakah aku yang buatnya tersenyum bangga, tersenyum di saat dunia mengguruinya, dan buatnya menjadi seorang yang lebih baik?
Adakah aku menjelaskan hal yang terlalu rumit dalam sebuah keterkaitan hubungan pria dan wanita?
Aku mengingkari nurani saat dengan jelas mengungkap di depan wajahnya, aku rela bila kami tiba di satu titik saat ia merasa menemukan belahan jiwanya. Dia bilang tidak. Logikaku bicara, hidup itu tidak pernah menjadi sebuah undian. Kadang ia balik tersenyum, dan kadang ia pergi begitu saja. Aku membohongi mimpi yang tertanam saat aku melepas jemarinya pergi. Dan aku selalu bersiap. Jalan kami tak semudah jalan layang yang halus dan mahal. Jalan yang kami lewati sederhana, berlubang. Tapi aku berjanji tak akan melepaskan jemari itu sebelum jemarinya sendiri yang meronta. Bukankah setidaknya saat itu benar akan terjadi, aku tahu aku sudah memberinya bagian terbaik dari jiwa ini? Setidaknya. Ya, setidaknya.
Aku mau tahu bagaimana jika ia tahu ada seorang teman dengan tatapan yang selalu menenangkan yang berjanji menunggu dari jarak ratusan kilometer dan mengatakan, bahwa waktu untuk kami berdua akan datang. Eventually. Aku mau tahu tapi tak mau dia tahu. Aku mau lihat senyum di ujung garis wajahnya yang tegas. Yang manja dan dewasa, yang tidak sempurna tapi hanya raut wajah itu yang kurindukan dalam tiap desah angin yang merayu. Suara dan wajah lain menyapa, tadi tahukah kamu ada suatu saat dimana merekalah angin dan hanya satu yang kausebut dalam doa sebelum tidurmu?
Di akhir doamu dan aku bertanya, iakah benar? Ataukah ini ilusi yang dibentuk oleh cita bawah sadarku? Adakah ia yang kupanggil belahan pribadiku, teman yang membaca hal sebelum kuucap yang tahu raut wajahku saat tak melihatku dari jarak yang tak masuk akal, yang seharusnya kuhampiri? Adakah ketika yang sebenarnya memanggil, aku menulikan hati karena mengikat hati dengan pria yang selalu melangkah bersamaku?
Aku belajar dari melihat dan mendengar, selalu begitu. Aku dikecewakan mereka yang mengaku mencintaiku tanpa pamrih. Janji dan keyakinan mereka atas dunia sirna di ujung lidah mereka sendiri. Seperti porselen cantik yang kusimpan di atas meja, tersenggol sebuah jari dan pecah berkeping-keping. Selesai. Aku menolak untuk menilai. Aku tidak mau tahu karena aku mau dunia yang baik, yang dulu mereka suapkan ke dalam mulutku masih ada masih nyata. Cacat itu bukan harga mati. Bangsat. Mereka kira maaf akan selesai. Lebih tolol daripada seorang anak yang mencuri di bus kota. Menyedihkan dan merasuki sebagian dari jiwa yang tumbuh bersama mereka. Kapan pernah menjadi benar? Dan bilamana semua hanya topeng? Aku kira mereka yang disebut dewasa, disebut pembimbing tinggi.
Keyakinan pada binar mata itu perlahan sirna. Bukan karenanya, tapi karena realitas yang harus terbuka pada akhirnya. Dan aku menolak untuk mencampurkan kami ke dalam kebobrokan cerita mereka. Aku tahu ada sebuah akhir yang menunggu, aku tahu dia selalu menunggu. Dia yang menjadi badut saat aku merengut dan selalu bisa membalasku hingga kehabisan kata. Bodohnya. Satu merasa tak cukup untuk lainnya, selalu begitu. Dan padahal kami tak perlu kemana-mana.
Aku disini, dia disini. Satu.
Aku banyak sekali bicara tentang cinta. Terlalu banyak. Sungguh sebuah kontradiksi saat dihadapkan dengan seorang teman baik yang mengasah kedalaman filosofi cinta bersamaku. Cinta adalah kata yang belum pernah ia sebutkan. Setidaknya sampai satu bulan yang lalu. Seorang pria paling baik dan rendah hati yang pernah kutahu hidup dan menapakkan kakinya disini. Kepalanya yang tanpa helai rambut terkadang seakan merealisasikan filosofi Budha yang ia yakini. Yang aku yakini. Moralitas yang tertinggi dari segala keduniawian manusia. Bukan itu bukan agama, itu filosofi hidup.
Don’t fall in love with me. Itu yang selalu aku bilang setiap kali dekat dengan seorang pria. Aku tak mau tumbuh tujuan yang lain dalam hubungan kami, kepentingan yang lain. Sama seperti kehidupan nyata, itu hanya akan membuat bias antara yang tulus dan yang menuntut. Berakhir pada kebimbangan dan pilihan yang seharusnya tak usah dipilih.
Adakah dua insan mencinta karena berbeda? Mencinta karena serupa? Mencinta karena mereka adalah yang pertama hadir dan mengajarkan mereka tentang cinta yang paling tulus tanpa nafsu, tanpa materi, hanya kasih yang diagungkan dalam tiap doa kepada Tuhan? Atau karena sebenarnya mereka tak mengerti cinta?
Siapa bilang bicara tentang cinta berarti lemah? Melankolis? Ah, teori. Seorang yang paling sanguinis pun seorang melankolis, mungkin saat berhadapan dengan bayangan dirinya sendiri di balik cermin.
Aku mencintai seorang pria yang sama, setelah waktu yang cukup bagi seorang remaja dengan godaan wajah-wajah tampan yang lalu lalang bahkan di halte bus kota Jakarta. Kontinu. Atau mungkin aku yang menolak untuk memberikan tanda final di akhir kalimat aku mencintainya? Atau karena itu pernah menjadi sebuah janji? Aku tidak sadar dia ada sampai Tuhan menemukan kami. Aku tahu apabila aku tak ada dalam menit-menit itu, mungkin cerita tak akan jadi serumit ini. Atau seindah ini? Tangannya bergerak penuh kejutan dalam genggamanku, erat dan terlepas. Aku sempat membiarkan tangan itu tak tersentuh oleh milikku lagi, aku tak mau menjadi beban. Aku mengasihinya lebih dari apapun. Wajah itu, senyum itu, ceritakan aku tentang tempat terindah di bumi tapi tak ada apapun yang dapat menandingi binar di matanya saat mengantarku pulang di penghujung hari dan senyum kami berpamitan. Bolehkah aku membawanya pulang, memeluknya dalam tidur seperti boneka beruang yang kutemukan di etalase mahal?
Dia lemah dan kuatku. Jarak seperti ini seakan bom waktu dan siksa berbayang yang seringkali datang saat senja dan bayangan membisikkan ketakutannya. Adakah aku telah menjadi yang baik untuknya? Adakah aku yang buatnya tersenyum bangga, tersenyum di saat dunia mengguruinya, dan buatnya menjadi seorang yang lebih baik?
Adakah aku menjelaskan hal yang terlalu rumit dalam sebuah keterkaitan hubungan pria dan wanita?
Aku mengingkari nurani saat dengan jelas mengungkap di depan wajahnya, aku rela bila kami tiba di satu titik saat ia merasa menemukan belahan jiwanya. Dia bilang tidak. Logikaku bicara, hidup itu tidak pernah menjadi sebuah undian. Kadang ia balik tersenyum, dan kadang ia pergi begitu saja. Aku membohongi mimpi yang tertanam saat aku melepas jemarinya pergi. Dan aku selalu bersiap. Jalan kami tak semudah jalan layang yang halus dan mahal. Jalan yang kami lewati sederhana, berlubang. Tapi aku berjanji tak akan melepaskan jemari itu sebelum jemarinya sendiri yang meronta. Bukankah setidaknya saat itu benar akan terjadi, aku tahu aku sudah memberinya bagian terbaik dari jiwa ini? Setidaknya. Ya, setidaknya.
Aku mau tahu bagaimana jika ia tahu ada seorang teman dengan tatapan yang selalu menenangkan yang berjanji menunggu dari jarak ratusan kilometer dan mengatakan, bahwa waktu untuk kami berdua akan datang. Eventually. Aku mau tahu tapi tak mau dia tahu. Aku mau lihat senyum di ujung garis wajahnya yang tegas. Yang manja dan dewasa, yang tidak sempurna tapi hanya raut wajah itu yang kurindukan dalam tiap desah angin yang merayu. Suara dan wajah lain menyapa, tadi tahukah kamu ada suatu saat dimana merekalah angin dan hanya satu yang kausebut dalam doa sebelum tidurmu?
Di akhir doamu dan aku bertanya, iakah benar? Ataukah ini ilusi yang dibentuk oleh cita bawah sadarku? Adakah ia yang kupanggil belahan pribadiku, teman yang membaca hal sebelum kuucap yang tahu raut wajahku saat tak melihatku dari jarak yang tak masuk akal, yang seharusnya kuhampiri? Adakah ketika yang sebenarnya memanggil, aku menulikan hati karena mengikat hati dengan pria yang selalu melangkah bersamaku?
Aku belajar dari melihat dan mendengar, selalu begitu. Aku dikecewakan mereka yang mengaku mencintaiku tanpa pamrih. Janji dan keyakinan mereka atas dunia sirna di ujung lidah mereka sendiri. Seperti porselen cantik yang kusimpan di atas meja, tersenggol sebuah jari dan pecah berkeping-keping. Selesai. Aku menolak untuk menilai. Aku tidak mau tahu karena aku mau dunia yang baik, yang dulu mereka suapkan ke dalam mulutku masih ada masih nyata. Cacat itu bukan harga mati. Bangsat. Mereka kira maaf akan selesai. Lebih tolol daripada seorang anak yang mencuri di bus kota. Menyedihkan dan merasuki sebagian dari jiwa yang tumbuh bersama mereka. Kapan pernah menjadi benar? Dan bilamana semua hanya topeng? Aku kira mereka yang disebut dewasa, disebut pembimbing tinggi.
Keyakinan pada binar mata itu perlahan sirna. Bukan karenanya, tapi karena realitas yang harus terbuka pada akhirnya. Dan aku menolak untuk mencampurkan kami ke dalam kebobrokan cerita mereka. Aku tahu ada sebuah akhir yang menunggu, aku tahu dia selalu menunggu. Dia yang menjadi badut saat aku merengut dan selalu bisa membalasku hingga kehabisan kata. Bodohnya. Satu merasa tak cukup untuk lainnya, selalu begitu. Dan padahal kami tak perlu kemana-mana.
Aku disini, dia disini. Satu.
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