They just don't trust what they can't explain. (Two Worlds, Phil Collins)
Is it them, or is it me?
What if,
I'm that kind of person who can't handle the idea of the last-minute call or dealing with something that way too unpredictable beyond my control. Explain that more and less I'm quite a control freak. Was't that the definition of life, by the way?
What if,
I'm too busy thinking about the future and start to taking for granted all the things in my hold right now? I'm too scared of making mistakes and instead walking forward - I do something which is worse than walking in reverse, I don't even move at all. What if I only ended up imagining things, those dreams.
What if, what if?
What if people living their life with too much 'What Ifs'?
Can people actually have everything they've always wanted?
How can you see, how can you... choose?
What if?
Oh dear, it's already five 'What Ifs'.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Dawson's Creek and Us
Joey: I was scared.
Dawson: Of what?
Joey: Of going backwards, of never growing up.
Dawson: That's what I represent to you?
Joey: No, not you. Us. I started this year thinking that I had to say good-bye to you, but I was wrong. Dawson, you're a huge part of my life - past, present, and future - and I have to start getting used to that because... you make my life better, not worse.
This is definitely dedicated for my boyfriend, xo.
Dawson: Of what?
Joey: Of going backwards, of never growing up.
Dawson: That's what I represent to you?
Joey: No, not you. Us. I started this year thinking that I had to say good-bye to you, but I was wrong. Dawson, you're a huge part of my life - past, present, and future - and I have to start getting used to that because... you make my life better, not worse.
This is definitely dedicated for my boyfriend, xo.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY KHAIRUNNISA
Happy birthday my dearest Khairunnisa, cium peluk dari kota Bandung. Always know that you're one in a million and yes I love you that much!
The simplest way to wish you all the best is to sing you this. Enjoy birthday lady! and have a blast.
ps: dengan segala hormat gue nggak bisa bikin suara sama gerakan sinkron setelah diupload dan ini nggak bisa upload full length video nis versi lengkapnya akan coming soon as soon as we meet again, xoxo
The simplest way to wish you all the best is to sing you this. Enjoy birthday lady! and have a blast.
ps: dengan segala hormat gue nggak bisa bikin suara sama gerakan sinkron setelah diupload dan ini nggak bisa upload full length video nis versi lengkapnya akan coming soon as soon as we meet again, xoxo
Told you I'm a Pluralist.
I post this years ago, but I always put it in draft. Since I don't want people to figure too much what's inside my head - or I just don't have the guts. Make your own position.
I hate talking about this, actually. I was born and grew up with a family with such high plurality values and I love them too much for it - I thank God for it. That it doesn't matter which country you're coming from (well kecuali warga negara yang statusnya ilegal - hahaha) how much money in your pocket and which God are you believed in, as long as you're a good man with respect and well-educated, you're always welcome.
Sometimes I'm blaming on this country with its such racist culture. But as I grew up as sees back throughout the history - I can't do that. Centuries ago, this land was no one's land. And we were separated geographically.
Bukan rahasia dan adalah usaha yang sia-sia untuk memungkiri bahwa keberadaan budaya di negara kita mengikat bahkan lebih kuat dari hukum itu sendiri, bahkan kadang secara tak sadar. Keberadaan etika budaya yang sering disalahkan atas perkembangan kita yang lambat. But anyway, I don't want to talk about that this time. I've been seen a lot of scenes where people are breaking up because they 'happen' to have different faith. Trus gue biasanya ketawa, miris. I've been there. And, so what?
Parents are sometimes selfish. They're still humans. Mungkin kalo gue dihadapkan dalam situasi yang didesak, gue akan bilang sama mereka untuk memposisikan mereka di gue. Apa kata dan makna cinta segitu dikorupsinya sampai sudah terlalu dibatasi dalam batasan yang dibuat manusia sendiri? Bukankah kita sendiri yang berteriak bahwa cinta itu sejajar dengan Tuhan?
Mungkin beberapa ketidakpercayaan atas agama datang dari pengalaman seperti ini. Dan manusia tetap menunjuk mereka yang melihat agama secara sinis, sebagai manusia jahat. Dan lagi-lagi gue ketawa. Plis deh. Memangnya kamu pikir manusia yang paling tinggi dan bermoral adalah manusia dengan kata 'Tuhan' di dahinya? Bukan. Mereka yang tidak ber-Tuhan terkadang memiliki moralitas yang justru lebih tinggi. Bukankan Tuhan minta kita cintai mereka dengan sederhana dan bukan berlebihan? Tidak mengatasnamakan-Nya untuk meniadakan manusia yang lain.
Bukankah segalanya yang berlebihan mengarah pada sebuah catastrophe?
I do appreciate everyone rights to decide what kind of life they want to live and who they want to live it with. But isn't the art of life was because it full with so much surprises? Do you even ever get the first notice that this is the one that will stay everlasting? I'll take that as a 'No'.
I was born from a family with different faith. I've always seen love that simple, but when I practice it in real life - people can't get the grip of it. Some of them take it for granted. People are so tiring; they make things so simple become so complicated. Can it be called an act of labeling?
Family from my Dad's side was coming from the other side of this world, where people doesn't judge you from what age you are and what religion you are. I dream a day when this country will finally live a good life. When people can love each other without getting depressed just because in fact, they're born different. Isn't everyone different?
You were not being asked about what name you want, what religion fits - when you were born. As you walk the years, you'll find how different you are right now with you were a few years back then. If you finally found someone that can you recall as home, will you just throw it away because your old ones deceive you?
Pada akhirnya semua akan kembali pada apa yang kamu percaya dan tidak percayai. Apa yang kamu pilih dan tidak kamu pilih. Terkadang manusia kira mencintai harus begitu mudah seperti sebuah hari yang cerah di jalan tol yang sepi. Nyatanya, semua akan sampai pada titik yang meminta sebuah pengorbanan - dengan kata lain, sebuah kompromi.
Kompromi yang suka disalahartikan sebagai kalah.
Padahal apalah artinya sebuah kompromi yang menjanjikan sebuah kenyamanan dan kebahagiaan atas sebuah cinta yang dijaga? Kalau memang keseragaman itu bisa dipertahankan, bukankah indah adanya? Bahkan terkadang kamu bisa tiba di satu titik dimana kamu merasa menanggung nama yang salah atau iman yang bukan pada tempatnya. Pertanyaannya, apakah kamu membiarkan tanya itu hidup atau kamu mengingkarinya dan membiarkannya mati.
Mahatma Gandhi bilang, "God has no religion."
Memang agama itu dibuat manusia kan? Untuk membuat satu sama lain tetap ada dalam satu lingkar superioritas dan diakui keberadaannya - kata mereka yang skeptis. Untuk mencari Tuhan melalu berbagai pintu yang tidak tentu sesuai dengan manusia yang mana - kata mereka yang beragama.
"I love you when you bow in your mosque, kneel in your temple, pray in your church. For you and I are sons of one religion, and it is the spirit." - Kahlil Gibran
I hate talking about this, actually. I was born and grew up with a family with such high plurality values and I love them too much for it - I thank God for it. That it doesn't matter which country you're coming from (well kecuali warga negara yang statusnya ilegal - hahaha) how much money in your pocket and which God are you believed in, as long as you're a good man with respect and well-educated, you're always welcome.
Sometimes I'm blaming on this country with its such racist culture. But as I grew up as sees back throughout the history - I can't do that. Centuries ago, this land was no one's land. And we were separated geographically.
Bukan rahasia dan adalah usaha yang sia-sia untuk memungkiri bahwa keberadaan budaya di negara kita mengikat bahkan lebih kuat dari hukum itu sendiri, bahkan kadang secara tak sadar. Keberadaan etika budaya yang sering disalahkan atas perkembangan kita yang lambat. But anyway, I don't want to talk about that this time. I've been seen a lot of scenes where people are breaking up because they 'happen' to have different faith. Trus gue biasanya ketawa, miris. I've been there. And, so what?
Parents are sometimes selfish. They're still humans. Mungkin kalo gue dihadapkan dalam situasi yang didesak, gue akan bilang sama mereka untuk memposisikan mereka di gue. Apa kata dan makna cinta segitu dikorupsinya sampai sudah terlalu dibatasi dalam batasan yang dibuat manusia sendiri? Bukankah kita sendiri yang berteriak bahwa cinta itu sejajar dengan Tuhan?
Mungkin beberapa ketidakpercayaan atas agama datang dari pengalaman seperti ini. Dan manusia tetap menunjuk mereka yang melihat agama secara sinis, sebagai manusia jahat. Dan lagi-lagi gue ketawa. Plis deh. Memangnya kamu pikir manusia yang paling tinggi dan bermoral adalah manusia dengan kata 'Tuhan' di dahinya? Bukan. Mereka yang tidak ber-Tuhan terkadang memiliki moralitas yang justru lebih tinggi. Bukankan Tuhan minta kita cintai mereka dengan sederhana dan bukan berlebihan? Tidak mengatasnamakan-Nya untuk meniadakan manusia yang lain.
Bukankah segalanya yang berlebihan mengarah pada sebuah catastrophe?
I do appreciate everyone rights to decide what kind of life they want to live and who they want to live it with. But isn't the art of life was because it full with so much surprises? Do you even ever get the first notice that this is the one that will stay everlasting? I'll take that as a 'No'.
I was born from a family with different faith. I've always seen love that simple, but when I practice it in real life - people can't get the grip of it. Some of them take it for granted. People are so tiring; they make things so simple become so complicated. Can it be called an act of labeling?
Family from my Dad's side was coming from the other side of this world, where people doesn't judge you from what age you are and what religion you are. I dream a day when this country will finally live a good life. When people can love each other without getting depressed just because in fact, they're born different. Isn't everyone different?
You were not being asked about what name you want, what religion fits - when you were born. As you walk the years, you'll find how different you are right now with you were a few years back then. If you finally found someone that can you recall as home, will you just throw it away because your old ones deceive you?
Pada akhirnya semua akan kembali pada apa yang kamu percaya dan tidak percayai. Apa yang kamu pilih dan tidak kamu pilih. Terkadang manusia kira mencintai harus begitu mudah seperti sebuah hari yang cerah di jalan tol yang sepi. Nyatanya, semua akan sampai pada titik yang meminta sebuah pengorbanan - dengan kata lain, sebuah kompromi.
Kompromi yang suka disalahartikan sebagai kalah.
Padahal apalah artinya sebuah kompromi yang menjanjikan sebuah kenyamanan dan kebahagiaan atas sebuah cinta yang dijaga? Kalau memang keseragaman itu bisa dipertahankan, bukankah indah adanya? Bahkan terkadang kamu bisa tiba di satu titik dimana kamu merasa menanggung nama yang salah atau iman yang bukan pada tempatnya. Pertanyaannya, apakah kamu membiarkan tanya itu hidup atau kamu mengingkarinya dan membiarkannya mati.
Mahatma Gandhi bilang, "God has no religion."
Memang agama itu dibuat manusia kan? Untuk membuat satu sama lain tetap ada dalam satu lingkar superioritas dan diakui keberadaannya - kata mereka yang skeptis. Untuk mencari Tuhan melalu berbagai pintu yang tidak tentu sesuai dengan manusia yang mana - kata mereka yang beragama.
"I love you when you bow in your mosque, kneel in your temple, pray in your church. For you and I are sons of one religion, and it is the spirit." - Kahlil Gibran
Terrified feelings.
Badai kekuatiran yang melebur dalam jiwa yang kaku
Rapuh dan rengkuh
Seandainya jemari yang menuliskan takdir
Dan maka manusia hidup dalam keseandaian mereka
Adakah aku benar di mana aku berdiri
Adakah hujan kemarin itu bukan pertanda
Bawa pergi bawa jauh
Dusta dan ingkar
Bilamana ia menjanjikan dongeng sebelum tidur
Mana bisa kita bicara siapa bisa dan tak bisa
Bilamana Tuhan di atasnya
Mana bisa
Bukan kamu
Rapuh dan rengkuh
Seandainya jemari yang menuliskan takdir
Dan maka manusia hidup dalam keseandaian mereka
Adakah aku benar di mana aku berdiri
Adakah hujan kemarin itu bukan pertanda
Bawa pergi bawa jauh
Dusta dan ingkar
Bilamana ia menjanjikan dongeng sebelum tidur
Mana bisa kita bicara siapa bisa dan tak bisa
Bilamana Tuhan di atasnya
Mana bisa
Bukan kamu
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Nasionalisme?
Do you think Indonesia is ready for Democracy? In his speech at Universitas Indonesia, Jakarta, few days ago - Barack Obama said between his line that, "Democracy is messy." Yes, in fact I have to be agree with him. But then again, how much mess it can be handled? That's the big question, right?
Mari berbahasa Indonesia.
Sekarang sebenarnya apa yang salah, sistem? Hukum? Mau sampai kapan sistem dan hukum disalahkan. Pelaku - subjek dan objek paling labil dan dinamis kan manusia. Jadi, manusianya? Atau sejarahnya? Saya pernah membaca dua macam wacana nasionalisme. Satu dengan bentuk yang simpel, "Nasional.is.me - Pandji" dan "Nasionalisme Indonesia Kini dan di Masa Depan - Benedict Anderson". Frankly speaking, membaca milik Pandji nggak membawa kesadaran baru atau membentuk rasa nasionalisme yang makin dalam untuk saya pribadi. Sungguh berbeda saat membaca milik Benedict Anderson yang harus diakui memang kontennya lebih berat dengan segala latar belakang sejarahnya (yang mana kayanya bisa orang Indonesia pun nggak tahu sejarahnya sendiri).
Here's the big three question.
Kenapa sih justru di saat dunia sedang 'wah' dengan segala ke-global-an dan globalisasinya yang dipublikasikan di tiap wacana, justru pola pikir masyarakat kita makin mundur (tadisional/konvensional)?
Pertanyaan yang muncul setiap kali membahas politik di kepala saya adalah, siapa sih yang sebenarnya mereka sebut mayoritas? Dan bagaimana, kenapa si 'mayoritas' ini cenderung membuat yang seharusnya dalam term relatif tercampur menjadi term yang absolut? Dalam hal ini, tentu tidak lain dan tidak bukan, agama dan politik.
Tidak bisa kita hindari bahwa adat adalah pola yang paling mendasar dalam masyarakat kita. Adat yang sangat kental ini tidak pernah ditinggalkan untuk hidup dalam sebuah negara kesatuan Republik Indonesia. Apabila kita kembali menilik sejarah, apa yang sebenarnya terjadi kira-kira dalam transisi pergerakan masyarakat dari kedaerahan menjadi kebangsaan? Apa yang terjadi, kesadaran darimana yang sebenarnya menyatukan mereka dalam pemahaman akan negara dan bangsa Indonesia?
(to be continue...)
Mari berbahasa Indonesia.
Sekarang sebenarnya apa yang salah, sistem? Hukum? Mau sampai kapan sistem dan hukum disalahkan. Pelaku - subjek dan objek paling labil dan dinamis kan manusia. Jadi, manusianya? Atau sejarahnya? Saya pernah membaca dua macam wacana nasionalisme. Satu dengan bentuk yang simpel, "Nasional.is.me - Pandji" dan "Nasionalisme Indonesia Kini dan di Masa Depan - Benedict Anderson". Frankly speaking, membaca milik Pandji nggak membawa kesadaran baru atau membentuk rasa nasionalisme yang makin dalam untuk saya pribadi. Sungguh berbeda saat membaca milik Benedict Anderson yang harus diakui memang kontennya lebih berat dengan segala latar belakang sejarahnya (yang mana kayanya bisa orang Indonesia pun nggak tahu sejarahnya sendiri).
Here's the big three question.
Kenapa sih justru di saat dunia sedang 'wah' dengan segala ke-global-an dan globalisasinya yang dipublikasikan di tiap wacana, justru pola pikir masyarakat kita makin mundur (tadisional/konvensional)?
Pertanyaan yang muncul setiap kali membahas politik di kepala saya adalah, siapa sih yang sebenarnya mereka sebut mayoritas? Dan bagaimana, kenapa si 'mayoritas' ini cenderung membuat yang seharusnya dalam term relatif tercampur menjadi term yang absolut? Dalam hal ini, tentu tidak lain dan tidak bukan, agama dan politik.
Tidak bisa kita hindari bahwa adat adalah pola yang paling mendasar dalam masyarakat kita. Adat yang sangat kental ini tidak pernah ditinggalkan untuk hidup dalam sebuah negara kesatuan Republik Indonesia. Apabila kita kembali menilik sejarah, apa yang sebenarnya terjadi kira-kira dalam transisi pergerakan masyarakat dari kedaerahan menjadi kebangsaan? Apa yang terjadi, kesadaran darimana yang sebenarnya menyatukan mereka dalam pemahaman akan negara dan bangsa Indonesia?
(to be continue...)
I dreamed a dream
Have you ever dream?
Instead of midnight dreaming with too much imagination, I’m having my favorite dream when I’m sitting by the window inside the car, watching the road outside. The plain blue sky with dots of clouds, trees hiding the houses from the highway.. A good friend of mine told me it’s called acacia tree, like the one they have in Africa. It’s my favorite tree. The trunk is big and it’s like telling you “I’m a tough one”, while the branches are multiplying in sizes and the leaves is rare, but you know what people say, “the toughest tree comes from the land of Africa.”
Mom and Dad, have always told me to dream since I was five. Or maybe further than that. Started with a dream of riding two wheels bike and now ended up with my biggest dream as a college student, studying in Harvard University. People probably will laugh or widen their eyes when hear me saying this. You know, I’m not too sure myself about how much chances I’ve got. But I know I’m not having this dream by myself, I know some and we’ve shared the same vision. Trying to be more realistic, maybe it doesn’t have to be Harvard. At least the top five best University inside the globe.
Don’t you think being realistic is sometimes giving up on your dream?
The question now is, which dream?
Quoting a friend of mine, she wrote this once and the line just slap me in the face. Maybe it’s everybody’s question, how should I know? All I know, I’ve been living six months inside this question. I hope the feeling that I’ve known the answer is wrong because frankly speaking, I hate the answer.
“Biggest battle you’ll ever fight – between what you want and what you know is right, between what the heart wants and the mind already knows.”
God I must’ve thanked her for the quote, for haunting my night and days until I don’t know when. Simply undecideable (do they even have the word in dictionary?) - sigh. Where should I start this? Seems like I'm walking inside the vicious circle and stop at a dead-end. That was nowhere near the reason to quit. I periodically talk to a good friend about life and the philosophy, and he told me that it’s okay that I keep questing things that happen within me and outside of me. It’s good. Because you’ll never feel satisfied, but much better to do to keep running and doing the best for myself. Myself, should I bold the word right away?
“Live a good life.” – My Grandpa.
He’s the best inspiration but still he can’t guide me to my answers, no one could. No one will ever know what or where the answer is. What rights they own anyway?
I am 18. Repeat, just 18 by now. I always write “18 and 3B’s” on my personal description, thanks to my Mom. She have always told me to but have the brain behavior and the beauty inside one soul. That way I’ll survive in this world. She even put the beauty at the last part, because with the technology – tell me, who can’t be pretty these day? It’s just the best beauty comes within the heart, without no hard work of pretending too much.
I’m blabbing. Let’s start over, shall we?
Here I am right now, living my pretty little live in Bandung as a freshman in Parahyangan Catholic University in International Relations. I never picture myself standing here, right now. To be honest, I’ve never pictured myself anywhere in this country. I just don’t know where. But after I live this for a few months, I know God’s been guiding me to take my best decision. Maybe I don’t feel satisfied about everything, but I know here I can find the people the society that can help me achieve the top part of my highest dream. For some people I may seem greedy or anything, but who cares? People will never stop be jealous of you because they have what I don’t have and I have what they don’t have. I’ve been there and it’ll be such a pathetic exhausting waste of time. Wow, that’s a lot of words. I just do what I think was right and taking chances is never a mistake, as long as choose the chances carefully and date them seriously.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.” – Robert Frost
I used to picture myself as a psychologist, yes that was my one and only dream since I was the freshman in junior high school. Somehow I joined this and that and at the 2nd grade of high school, I want to work for the United Nations. Motivation? Simple. I’m tired of seeing people acting like animals, trying to erase the existence of the others. I want to save a life, but not as a doctor. I don’t have the call. I even tried to call myself, but I just don’t get it.
So then I stand between the IR and psychology. Which is right? Which is better? What kind of question is that? Isn’t it supposed to be, where your heart is?
Getting into college was not that hard to me, the tough part is to get the grip of it. The hardest part is choosing one instead of taking everything, to stand on your own feet and not hanging in anybody’s arms – well this part is not that hard to me. But sometimes you’ll find yourself kind of lonely in a way, even when you stand in the crowds. And again, I end up telling myself that’s not a problem, because the basic point I’ve always started my life with everyday is, “ At the end of the day, you’re on your own.”
I want to be graduated from Harvard. I want to live in London. I want to spend most of the summer in Italy. I want to work for the United Nations. I want to be a performer at the same time, a singer or a dance, at a small theatre nearby. I want to write a book, one day. I want to be married in a cathedral, in Vera Wang’s wedding dress. I want to have four kids, and I already named the three of them. And how I wish I will have son with blond hair – you know what I mean. I know what kind of house I’ll build and in addition, next to it I’ll have my own little bakery shop. I want to save a life.
Sounds like a dreamer enough to you, no?
Sometimes it’s tiring living this much of dream. I really dream them, you see I have them in details! Mom’s right – I am blessed, with gifts of talent. But sometimes you just don’t know which one you have to live with and which one you have to leave out. Why do you have to give up your talents anyway? There is lots of paradox in life. You can’t do things half way, otherwise it all will be messed up. Sigh.
I never thought growing up will be this fast. I miss being a 12-years-old. After your first love and things in romance keep going, do you think a relationship is a part of your dream, or it is not? Don’t answer. My biggest fear is that I forget to count in a relationship, a love story between my dreams because I’m busy loving them and that they have given me enough pleasure.
You don’t plan yourself to be in love. At least, I never did. All I know is the love itself never goes away. Who said that breaking up means you don’t love each other anymore? It’s just that you both no longer standing at the same direction. And here comes the paradox… I believe that true love comes with a pure heart - does exist in this part of life. I know that love doesn’t answer everything, besides the double C in basic relationship are commitment and compromise. But who’s willing to compromise with their dreams? Wrong. The question is how much you want to sacrifice your dreams? When do you know where to keep it up or put it down? We’re young. Don’t you have to create your own life first before you’re creating such a combination - complex combination? Here comes the other double-C. It’s just love doesn’t only speaks for the sight of two people in a relationship, but also how you can achieve those calls upon yourself.
What’s the use of having someone, but tired because you have to give up everything?
I live the days the best I can, and for those I love the most but sometimes listen to my heart is such a hurtful act to do; sometimes it whispers the fact I don’t want to deal with. In a relationship people seek for comfortable, for stability outside this world that could destroy them any minute. The continuity of it create something what I called attachment. How and when should it last? No theory can answer. That’s probably why they say you’ll end up marrying your best friend. Best friends are people who give you home everywhere you go, in their words and hugs.
Mom said, you can have your dream but keep your feet on the ground. God I hope she has this guide book to tell me which way to go. Well, she doesn’t. What if when I’m making the list of my dreams and he’s just not into the most of it? What if, we finally don’t share the same dream?
Man I think too much I can kill myself just now. I know I’m just 18 and maybe you’ll say “Come on, enjoy life!” Well, I say, easy for you to say. I just can close my eyes and walk through the bridge without knowing where the hell am I going. Or maybe I know the answer already, but I just too scared to walk out of it?
So which one, love or dreams? A little girl inside me will say, “Can’t I get both?”. But the young lady will whisper me the words, “…dream. Dream big.”
I need my beauty sleep, otherwise I'll throw up any minute.
God bless.
Instead of midnight dreaming with too much imagination, I’m having my favorite dream when I’m sitting by the window inside the car, watching the road outside. The plain blue sky with dots of clouds, trees hiding the houses from the highway.. A good friend of mine told me it’s called acacia tree, like the one they have in Africa. It’s my favorite tree. The trunk is big and it’s like telling you “I’m a tough one”, while the branches are multiplying in sizes and the leaves is rare, but you know what people say, “the toughest tree comes from the land of Africa.”
Mom and Dad, have always told me to dream since I was five. Or maybe further than that. Started with a dream of riding two wheels bike and now ended up with my biggest dream as a college student, studying in Harvard University. People probably will laugh or widen their eyes when hear me saying this. You know, I’m not too sure myself about how much chances I’ve got. But I know I’m not having this dream by myself, I know some and we’ve shared the same vision. Trying to be more realistic, maybe it doesn’t have to be Harvard. At least the top five best University inside the globe.
Don’t you think being realistic is sometimes giving up on your dream?
The question now is, which dream?
Quoting a friend of mine, she wrote this once and the line just slap me in the face. Maybe it’s everybody’s question, how should I know? All I know, I’ve been living six months inside this question. I hope the feeling that I’ve known the answer is wrong because frankly speaking, I hate the answer.
“Biggest battle you’ll ever fight – between what you want and what you know is right, between what the heart wants and the mind already knows.”
God I must’ve thanked her for the quote, for haunting my night and days until I don’t know when. Simply undecideable (do they even have the word in dictionary?) - sigh. Where should I start this? Seems like I'm walking inside the vicious circle and stop at a dead-end. That was nowhere near the reason to quit. I periodically talk to a good friend about life and the philosophy, and he told me that it’s okay that I keep questing things that happen within me and outside of me. It’s good. Because you’ll never feel satisfied, but much better to do to keep running and doing the best for myself. Myself, should I bold the word right away?
“Live a good life.” – My Grandpa.
He’s the best inspiration but still he can’t guide me to my answers, no one could. No one will ever know what or where the answer is. What rights they own anyway?
I am 18. Repeat, just 18 by now. I always write “18 and 3B’s” on my personal description, thanks to my Mom. She have always told me to but have the brain behavior and the beauty inside one soul. That way I’ll survive in this world. She even put the beauty at the last part, because with the technology – tell me, who can’t be pretty these day? It’s just the best beauty comes within the heart, without no hard work of pretending too much.
I’m blabbing. Let’s start over, shall we?
Here I am right now, living my pretty little live in Bandung as a freshman in Parahyangan Catholic University in International Relations. I never picture myself standing here, right now. To be honest, I’ve never pictured myself anywhere in this country. I just don’t know where. But after I live this for a few months, I know God’s been guiding me to take my best decision. Maybe I don’t feel satisfied about everything, but I know here I can find the people the society that can help me achieve the top part of my highest dream. For some people I may seem greedy or anything, but who cares? People will never stop be jealous of you because they have what I don’t have and I have what they don’t have. I’ve been there and it’ll be such a pathetic exhausting waste of time. Wow, that’s a lot of words. I just do what I think was right and taking chances is never a mistake, as long as choose the chances carefully and date them seriously.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.” – Robert Frost
I used to picture myself as a psychologist, yes that was my one and only dream since I was the freshman in junior high school. Somehow I joined this and that and at the 2nd grade of high school, I want to work for the United Nations. Motivation? Simple. I’m tired of seeing people acting like animals, trying to erase the existence of the others. I want to save a life, but not as a doctor. I don’t have the call. I even tried to call myself, but I just don’t get it.
So then I stand between the IR and psychology. Which is right? Which is better? What kind of question is that? Isn’t it supposed to be, where your heart is?
Getting into college was not that hard to me, the tough part is to get the grip of it. The hardest part is choosing one instead of taking everything, to stand on your own feet and not hanging in anybody’s arms – well this part is not that hard to me. But sometimes you’ll find yourself kind of lonely in a way, even when you stand in the crowds. And again, I end up telling myself that’s not a problem, because the basic point I’ve always started my life with everyday is, “ At the end of the day, you’re on your own.”
I want to be graduated from Harvard. I want to live in London. I want to spend most of the summer in Italy. I want to work for the United Nations. I want to be a performer at the same time, a singer or a dance, at a small theatre nearby. I want to write a book, one day. I want to be married in a cathedral, in Vera Wang’s wedding dress. I want to have four kids, and I already named the three of them. And how I wish I will have son with blond hair – you know what I mean. I know what kind of house I’ll build and in addition, next to it I’ll have my own little bakery shop. I want to save a life.
Sounds like a dreamer enough to you, no?
Sometimes it’s tiring living this much of dream. I really dream them, you see I have them in details! Mom’s right – I am blessed, with gifts of talent. But sometimes you just don’t know which one you have to live with and which one you have to leave out. Why do you have to give up your talents anyway? There is lots of paradox in life. You can’t do things half way, otherwise it all will be messed up. Sigh.
I never thought growing up will be this fast. I miss being a 12-years-old. After your first love and things in romance keep going, do you think a relationship is a part of your dream, or it is not? Don’t answer. My biggest fear is that I forget to count in a relationship, a love story between my dreams because I’m busy loving them and that they have given me enough pleasure.
You don’t plan yourself to be in love. At least, I never did. All I know is the love itself never goes away. Who said that breaking up means you don’t love each other anymore? It’s just that you both no longer standing at the same direction. And here comes the paradox… I believe that true love comes with a pure heart - does exist in this part of life. I know that love doesn’t answer everything, besides the double C in basic relationship are commitment and compromise. But who’s willing to compromise with their dreams? Wrong. The question is how much you want to sacrifice your dreams? When do you know where to keep it up or put it down? We’re young. Don’t you have to create your own life first before you’re creating such a combination - complex combination? Here comes the other double-C. It’s just love doesn’t only speaks for the sight of two people in a relationship, but also how you can achieve those calls upon yourself.
What’s the use of having someone, but tired because you have to give up everything?
I live the days the best I can, and for those I love the most but sometimes listen to my heart is such a hurtful act to do; sometimes it whispers the fact I don’t want to deal with. In a relationship people seek for comfortable, for stability outside this world that could destroy them any minute. The continuity of it create something what I called attachment. How and when should it last? No theory can answer. That’s probably why they say you’ll end up marrying your best friend. Best friends are people who give you home everywhere you go, in their words and hugs.
Mom said, you can have your dream but keep your feet on the ground. God I hope she has this guide book to tell me which way to go. Well, she doesn’t. What if when I’m making the list of my dreams and he’s just not into the most of it? What if, we finally don’t share the same dream?
Man I think too much I can kill myself just now. I know I’m just 18 and maybe you’ll say “Come on, enjoy life!” Well, I say, easy for you to say. I just can close my eyes and walk through the bridge without knowing where the hell am I going. Or maybe I know the answer already, but I just too scared to walk out of it?
So which one, love or dreams? A little girl inside me will say, “Can’t I get both?”. But the young lady will whisper me the words, “…dream. Dream big.”
I need my beauty sleep, otherwise I'll throw up any minute.
God bless.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)